S1:E6 Kristel David: Refreshingly, Radically and Provocatively Honest

“That's one thing that I've committed to, even when I'm getting persecuted for it, is staying authentic to doing what I want to do."

Kristel David is a life and relationship coach dedicated to helping professional athlete's wives have healthy and thriving relationships with themselves and their partners. She is wife to retired NFL Veteran & Super Bowl Champ, Jason David, and mama to 5 girls. She believes that a woman's confidence is a result of living HER life unapologetically and free and is on a mission to empower women to return to HER confidence through PLAY. 

In this episode, Kristel and I explore motherhood, sexuality, pussy power, masturbation, religion, marriage and being emphatically true to yourself.  

From checking her Pro Football Player husband’s phone obsessively, the once insecure, crazy-jealous wife, Kristel has found her damn groove as a powerhouse woman.  Mom of 5 gorgeous daughters, Kristel has been finding her power within her own sexuality, rules of marriage and pushing her own personal boundaries. 

“The essence of our feminine energy can really melt anything.”

You can find Kristel at ...

Website 
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Podcast

Transcript

Kristen (00:00):

Kristel, thank you so much for being here. I am so excited. We get to dive in

Kristel (01:06):

Me too. Thank you for having me. And I'm still stuck on the title of the podcast. I love it. And I'm trying to figure out, am I the bit I'm definitely the bitch. I want to be the slut and I can be a princess, but I'm a queen. So it's like, I just, I resonate with all of it. I was just so, so good.

Kristen (01:24):

It is so good because each word brings up something different in every woman, which is quite literally why I chose these words and, you know, princess. So if I were to describe the slut, the bitch and the princess, we can look at the evolved version of that. Like how we get to claim each version of that. And just so you know, the high princess IS the queen. So like that is who she is. The low princess is like, you know, you know her, right? And also she is the queen. So there's always the high vibration for each of these. So we get to go wherever you want to go. And I just want to let the listeners know that I know you, we've known each other. We've been in the same community for a while. We had the same business coach for a while.

Kristen (02:16):

And I remember when I first saw you, you were at an event, a very large event. There was probably close to a thousand people there. And you had like newborn baby in tow and you're like breastfeeding and you're on the audience and you're like making it happen. And when I found out, I think this was your, your last child, right? I think it was, was your baby. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. And I'm watching this gorgeous woman breastfeeding her baby, making it happen at a business conference. And I was like, I want to know her because that can be a deterrent for a lot of entrepreneurs. It can be like the thing that like, oh, my kids are all my husband or, oh, whatever. So you have five daughters. I don't think that's an accident. I don't think it's an accident that I have to because the work that we get to do to rewrite whatever term we're here to rewrite, whether it be, whether it be slit, whether it be princess or whether it be all of them, because we are all of them, I honor you.

Kristen (03:13):

And I acknowledge you for being a mama to these five beautiful self-expressed bold little girls, young women. And so I know crystal. And what prompted me to ask you to be on this podcast is an Instagram video that you did with, I want to say your two youngest, your two youngest daughters here it is. So you can see this slow video where she's dancing and her babies are dancing with her. And the caption that you wrote is sensuality is innate. Sexuality is a core element of your identity. Dance is one of the most intuitive and healing things we do and I could not agree with you more. You got some backlash from the sinew and I wanted you to come on and talk about this because what, what, what, what did you get? Like what, what happened after that?

Kristel (04:08):

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I want to first back up because I was, I, there's just some, there's so much to this, but I do want to touch on how you like your first impression of me. Because while I, while that was the impression and I'm like now, like, did we already talk about this on one of your last interviews? Or was it someone else in that community? Because this particular moment is a moment for almost every single person I've met from that community there. I remember you, you went to the mic, you're holding a new baby. I saw you. I was in awe of you. And I was like, O M G like it's literally every single person. And the reason why I wanted to go back to that is because meanwhile, the side of my brain that actually does care. What people think was like, these women are probably judging the shit out of me.

Kristel (04:57):

They probably think I'm the worst mother that I have a new baby in a room full of people. Thank God. This was pre COVID. I mean, you know, and so they're probably judging me that I have her out, that I'm out and about that I'm dah, dah, dah. And I remember there was one woman who I ended up connecting with, who told me the same impression she had in me. And I remember her distinctly because she asked me if she she's like, do you want me to hold your baby? Like, if you need a babysitter at all, during this weekend, I would love to hold her inside. I'm like, please, someone take this baby so I can write some notes, but I would not dare admit that I needed help because I felt like it kind of reminds me of laboring naturally in a hospital.

Kristel (05:37):

I remember feeling like don't scream too loud because you don't want them to judge you that you didn't get the epidural and say, see, we told you so, so it was kind of that kind of thing. And so anyways, my point of pointing out all of these like mine box, if you will, is that's exactly what's robbing. Our sensuality are wanting to be that sweat that we all have inside of us. But God forbid, we are a called a and we look like one and blah, blah, blah. So I just wanted to touch on that quickly because it is no accident that I have five daughters and, and leading to your, you know, the video context. That's one thing that I've committed to, even when I'm getting persecuted for it is staying authentic to doing what I want to do. And that's one thing that I feel like has been my super power is yes, I think about it, but I at least have that like willpower to still be like, but I'm going to go for it anyways.

Kristel (06:35):

They're going to judge me anyways and I'm going to do what I want to do. And I get that from my husband. My like, so I'll tell this quick story you know, we're coming out of spring break right now. And in the month of April, I had two trips back to back weekends. And they were both like pleasurable because the work I do is pleasurable. I've set my life like that. It wasn't always that way. I'm very intentional about it. So I'm like, I'm sorry that me working looks like I'm just having the time of my life because I am, but I'm working. And so, you know, even though they actually weren't work trips, but I that's, the thing is like, my work and pleasure is all the same thing. It's like exploring, learning, loving being myself. So anyways, my husband was like, well, since you're such a no, no, no, it was Easter Sunday.

Kristel (07:22):

And my daughters didn't have Easter dresses. And I was like, oh man, like, I'm not a good planner as a mom. He's like, oh no, you're a great planner. When it stuff you want to do, you plan your trip to Miami you plan. And he was like, so quick to weaponize that. And so that's just an example, a little glimpse of an example of like what I endure. I actually equate that to the persecution of Christ. Like, like I'm going to be Christ. Like, even if I get persecuted, I'm going to still love you. I'm going to still forgive you, forgive them father for they know not what they're saying to me. You know? Like it's like that energy of like, I'm going to let people project their anger on me that I'm living my life and doing what I want to do, but I'm not going to stop. And that's basically the energy and the context of the video that you're referring to is like, I actually didn't know I was going to get backlash. I actually was like, oh my gosh, this is going to be so cute. Like, how can you deny these cute little babies dancing like stripper?

Speaker 3 (08:21):

And I was like, I literally was like, I love it. 

Kristel (08:23):

I would put it the naked if I could, but I got trolled for that. So I stopped posting my baby's naked, but I used to post them naked too. And so I'm like, this is going to be so cute. And yeah, there was quite a few people who felt something about it. And I feel like I'm still actually unraveling, which is why I'm doing the work I'm doing, which is why I was excited to talk with you today because I'm still co I feel like I'm in a thesis right now. Like, where is this baggage coming from? Like, if this is, I just hit play on that song, I prompt my daughter's like dance, like this do like this. And one of the comments I loved it. Cause she's like, how is the mom more air quote appropriate than her daughters? And I'm like keyword appropriate to society standard because my daughters are dancing the way they're naturally wanting to dance.

Kristel (09:14):

I'm more inhibited because of society, because God forbid, I turned around and shake my butt. Then my husband will be coming after me. You know, I'll be looking like a slept publicly, like, you know, all the things, but so anyways, I could go on and on. But yeah, I mean, I kinda, I, I not going to lie. The drama side of me loved the backlash. Cause I was like, yes, I'm making, I made it. Cause that's what thing is like, I was tired of being lukewarm and I've been very Luke Moore for a while where it's like, I want everyone to be happy and feel good about what I'm posting. And so I'm going to keep it very flowery. And then I get real when you're in my territory. Like if you come and work with me or whatever, I'll get more real, but I was more neutral and I'm like, I can't do that anymore because that's not what we're actually dealing with, you know, behind closed doors.

Kristen (10:03):

Yeah. So good. There's so many, I mean, there's so many directions. There's so many things about this because what, you know, you're speaking into the, the sheds that women that are imposed upon women and have been for centuries the should of what does it look like to be a mother? What does it look like to be a wife? What does it look like to be beautiful? What does it look like to be fully self-expressed? What does it look like to be sensual? What does it look like to be all of it and to claim it as your own? This is my unique expression. This is my truth. I am moving the way that I want to. I am dressing the way that I want to and to see and feel, and experience other people's reaction to you. Being a system disruptor. I consider myself a system disruptor.

Kristen (10:52):

I am not here to play by anyone else's rules. It's been clear to me for the majority of my life. And I still have the de-conditioning to do I still have the letting go of like, what are people gonna think? And what you said earlier was what you didn't see was me being like, they're gonna judge me. They're gonna think I'm a terrible mother. I'm bringing my child to this event, blah, blah, blah. And, and I will say probably overwhelmingly the people looking in a direction where like, like she's making it happen. Like that's, that's courage, that's strength. And it takes a lot for us to, in the face of norms, in the face of what it means to be a mom, what it means to be a wife, what it means to be a woman in all aspects, the, the slot, the princess, the diva, the, like I don't care what it is, whatever resonates that you are, you know, like you're claiming this part of yourself.  Someone's not going to like it.

Kristen (11:50):

Yeah. And that's kind of the point, you know, I, I hear you, I feel you on this. Like it, it's, it's a reclamation of your own power when you are fully self-expressed and you're just like, I'm not for everyone, not everyone's going to like this. And that is not my, that is not my concern. Right? So, and that's and you and I are a microcosm and we are stepping into no matter what we're stepping into, having courage to walk our path and to people off or to offend people or to have people say you're bad and wrong for doing this. And we go forward anyway. So I acknowledge you for living a bold, courageous, audacious, authentic life.

Kristel (12:39):

Yeah. And thank you for that. And for like, I was so excited that you get to interview me and I get to interview and we get to have this dialogue because I'm craving this dialogue. Like it's oozing out of me. And it was funny because my content has shifted rapidly recently into this topic because I'm just like diving deep. Cause it's, I take a very holistic approach to a woman's identity, which is what women are coming to me for. They're coming to me for trust and rebuilding trust, which by the way, is a core essence of our femininity. They come to me for confidence. They come to me for having that passion and that willpower to do the things that I do. And it's like, what I've realized is that the core part that's missing is that sexuality piece. And it is that, that sensuality piece and that piece of us that has been shut down.

Kristel (13:34):

And when I look at like raising daughters, what's interesting about the work that I'm doing is like sidebar to the work that I do separate from, with my daughters. I've started to have this realization of like, oh my gosh, the stuff I'm teaching grown women. And like you said, unlearning myself as a grown woman are things that I'm going to have to repair in my daughters. If I don't do it differently from the get-go. And that's what I've been really focusing on. And so that's why I posted what I posted with my daughters in it. That's why I told my oldest 13 year old, you have pussy power. And like, you get to choose what you do with that. And here's the consequences. And I like cringing inside and all, like, it's getting easier to talk about it with her because like, she's like, Ooh mom, oh my gosh, my mom said pussy and oh my gosh, like, what do you mean?

Kristel (14:27):

You have sex and you're not trying to make a baby. And it feels good. And you put that in your mouth. And like, she's asking all the questions and I'm just like, yes, it feels good. It's enjoyable. That's why many people do it. And what I'm loving about what I'm discovering in all of this dialogue is we get to discriminate when we want to give it. And when we don't, and that's what I feel like society has done the demonize that, you know, it's like some of the most covered, like I'm all over the place, but I'm going to just give this example, like I'm interviewing a lot of women and I'm interviewing a lot of people who are deemed “slut” by society. And I'm blown away by the number of women. Three examples. One has an old three, two of them have an only fans of a one I'm going to use.

Kristel (15:14):

The only fans example. One is like the sex. Like she shows her body. She, she cooks and like talks very provocatively online publicly. And the other one is a story that a guy posted it's very quick, I'm not going to go into three stories, but I'm going to give you these quick depictions. The story of the guy said was this girl was shamed for being a stripper while I think in college to pay her bills. And she's a lesbian. So he's like, she doesn't even like the men that she's like dancing for, but she's doing it for a job. I thought that was interesting. Second example was these other two women who are very, very sexual and would be deemed sluts and whores and all that by society have not had sex in years because they don't want to. They haven't found the man that's worthy of their pussy power, if you will.

Kristel (15:59):

And yet they're using their sensuality for magnetizing people. And so all of that to be said, I don't know what's right and wrong. I'm very clouded because of what I was raised. Christian belief, society, beliefs, all the things I'm just searching for truth. And the more that I searched, the more I find that the answer is not outer, outer control. It's inner, like self-control and expression. And so going back to like what I teach, one of the biggest messages that I've got to drill into women is going back to what I was explaining with the, the event you saw me is think the things like I don't want to look bad. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be rejected and I'm going to go for my heart anyways. And that's like, what I'm seeing the correlation with the sex topic is like, we're so judged and shamed and all these things.

Kristel (16:55):

And yet behind closed doors, it's so desired. And that's what I've been so boggled by of like, why are men infatuated with strip clubs and strippers and happy ending massages and side women who are just them like the. But then they go home to their boring wives who they want to be boring. They don't want us to be expressive. They, and I'm saying us, because there's a part of this that I've dealt with in my own marriage where my husband is very traditional, very patriarchal, very like, you're the wife, you're the mother. You cook, you clean that sexy. That turns me on. And I'm like, police, I've been in your phone. I've seen the that you and your guys talk about. And the women that you objectify and womanize. So don't, you dare sit here and tell me that you don't like that. So like, literally I don't even know what I just said or now, cause I went like a hundred directions, but these are like the little like popcorns that aren't going off in my head that I'm just like, what is the truth here? Like, I'm just looking for truth, you know?

Kristen (17:56):

Ooh. But like I knew it was going to be good crystal. I just didn't know it was going to like how good it was going to be. So, so this whole, like this whole, the whole, I have like have my podcasts on a big old wall size post-it and it's just says the podcast and the essence and the intention of it is to be bold, controversial, edgy, authentic, vulnerable, radically honest, and like to redefine the archetypes. So when we talk about and I talked about this on my last interview, it's either the mother or the. It's either the center or the Saint it's either. Or we've been living in this. W what, what box are you checking? Yeah, I am all of it. And so are you, and so are you. And so when we, and this is my, my personal experiences, like when I have to choose, I w I lose, I have to choose, like, I'm not a.

Kristen (18:50):

I'm a Saint. I'm not I'm not a. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a sweet, loving, I'm both. I will, I will flex whatever needs to be in the, in, in a given situation. And I love that you're having this confusion, confusion isn't necessarily, it's confusion. It's what I believe is a reclamation. I am like, wait a minute. I'm not unchecking this box because checking this box, doesn't uncheck this one over here. This is not an either or life. And I feel like that's what women are waking up to. Like, wait a minute. Like, my whole journey was a conscious decision in my twenties to be like, to look at the shame that I felt when I had sex with men and be like, whoa, men don't have shame. Men are fricking heroes and they're studs. And I was like, that's up.

Kristen (19:44):

Like, that was my first, like, I don't think so moment was me reclaiming my whole sluttiness like my inner, like sexuality, my, all of that. And being like, if you can knew it, guess what? So can I, and I had all the shame. I had all the in. I had all of it. And as I look back on my life, what I have gotten, like the place that I am in now is I can sit in any of those chairs. I can sit in pristine goddess chair. And as, at the same time, sit in holy health, you know what I'm saying? Like, I will do it all. I will experience it all because I can like, that's it. You know what? It's so funny. This is like one of my favorite mugs.

Speaker 3 (20:32):

Oh, I love it. It just says, actually

Kristen (20:36):

I can. And if like we approach life, if women could do what you're doing, which is questioning your conditioning, questioning the rules, questioning the, the, the definitions that have been put in place to keep us where we need to be, keep us in our spot. And if we can actually take that back and be like, no, I'm going to tell you what a is like, I'm going to, I'm going to own that. That's not going to be something that you use against me. And neither is and neither is princess and fill in the blank for whatever other place you get to call your power back. But I was so, cause I, I mean, I, I've watched you, I've seen your journey, you know, through your growth. And I'm like, whatever you're doing, keep doing it because it was so inspiring to me for you to just be out for you to like, take this part of your self-expression. And so I know you alluded to it a little bit before about your, your upbringing. So share a little bit about that. If you wanted to talk about like your upbringing with like the church and sexuality and that whole thing. So I want to, I think our listeners would love to hear that.

Kristel (21:40):

Yeah. Yeah. And, and like, cause I was gonna say this earlier and I, I remember I had a little brain fried, I just kinda kept talking. And one of the things I wanted to say was I've always been a magnet to people. Like I've always got this compliment that like, there's just something about you. And like, you just have this light and I just wanted, like you said, like, I want to know her. I've always had that. And I never really knew why. I'm just like, I actually think I'm really basic, which I'm going to talk about right now. I actually think I'm a very basic, boring, boring routine. Like just very basic meat and potato type of girl actually. And so I make it so interesting. I don't know what it is and it's not my looks. I mean, yes, I'm beautiful. Great.

Kristel (22:23):

But beauty is like, whatever the eye of the beholder, there's beauty everywhere. So I'm like, I don't know exactly what it is. And I w I always would, my grandma would always tell me, it's the God in me. And I think like now I've translated that now going into my upbringing, but it's the goddess in me. It is the magnet that people see in me is the authenticity at its core. And this is where I'm like, wow. Like I really was called to be a teacher of this work because I've been teaching it all along. I just didn't know that it was directly rooted to my sexuality and my, my pure essence, because that part of me never got introduced. So to answer your question my upbringing was very, you know, mom and dad got divorced at eight. Neither one of my parents ever really talked about sex to me. I don't remember specific sex things. I did have a moment, like, I've actually never publicly said this. So this is like, I'm getting pit sweaty, but I did have a moment where I got in trouble as a little girl for like exploring with my cousin, one of my boy cousins. And I also got in trouble, like, now that I'm saying this, I'm like, wow, I've been like a little sexy

Speaker 3 (23:39):

Mother. Great. This is so good. Your prince. Oh my

Kristel (23:47):

God. Okay. So I got in trouble in school too for like, w it was like this big tire. I don't know if you guys remember those big tires that they put at playgrounds, but like, the inside was gutted out and me and this boy used to go in there and we would just like do things. And like, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh my gosh. So, and then I've also had encounters where I had a cousin touch me without consent. And I was, I ran in told, and I I've always been very proud of myself for not living in the shame of it and not personalizing it, but more just being like, oh, no, that wasn't right. Like, I didn't ask for that. I didn't want it. And so no. Whereas with the other cousin of mine, yeah. We were exploring trying to figure this thing out.

Kristel (24:29):

And I wanted that. I was choosing that. So I swear, I've never talked about this publicly, but I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so interesting. So anyways, that is in my childhood. But like, I remember getting spanked for, for you know, like exploring in hindsight, like that would have been a great opportunity to educate, right. And to be educated and to be told by. Great. What were you exploring? You know, I think of, I have a daughter who, I don't know if you guys are familiar with a fair gun, but it's like a like athletes use it to massage their body. So it's like battery operated and it gets a high vibration. One of my daughters was like, I put it, we, so we call our vagina princess jewel. When I first had my first daughter, I didn't know that it probably wasn't the best way to like name your organs. Like now I've learned you should call it what it is. And so I'm reteaching them, but they call it princess jewel. And so she's like, yeah, I put it in my princess, Jordan, it feels so good. And she's like my toothbrush too. And I'm like, oh my gosh. Awesome.

Kristel (25:36):

And that's what I'm getting. Yeah. Yeah. It is. It's innate. And so to wrap up kind of my childhood, cause it was pretty basic sex was not talked about, I got in trouble when I did kind of explore it. So I associate it with it's bad. You're only supposed to do it when you get married. And that was that. So honestly, and I always tell my husband, he's lucky. I don't know for what, like maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but whatever. I actually think he's lucky air quotes based on society standards. Now that I'm learning about all this, but like, I don't have what they call bodies, many bodies. Like I had a high school boyfriend, which I was sexually active with and that was it. Like I've dabbled like literally based 1, 2, 3 dabbled with like two other guys and that's it. And then I've been with my husband.

Kristel (26:23):

So what's interesting is now, and I'm in my thirties and I always remembered them saying when you hit thirties, that's when your Pico and I was like waiting for it, but I've been pregnant since I was 21. So I know hormones played into that, all of that, but like in the last few years, I've definitely been more curious of like, dang, how do people have one night stands and what does happen? And how would I feel if I just like slept with the guy when I went on a weekend trip, trip away, I wasn't thinking about it. Like my husband would die hearing this cause he would interpret it as me saying, I'm thinking about going and sleeping with other men. That's been, the battle that I've been living with is that I've been trying to openly honestly express myself. Like I never had those experiences.

Kristel (27:09):

Let's have a mix. Should we start? Role-Playing like, what should we do? And he's like, like not really knowing what to do with it because he's interpreting it as like I'm having this midlife crisis where I'm not satisfied with him. And it's not that at all. Like he I'm very satisfied, although I don't have anything to compare it to if I'm being honest. Right. So there's definitely that part of my brain. That's like, I, I don't know what's out there. So you're the best thing that's going for me. And I am okay with that. Like I actually am so okay with it. And, and I'm so curious. So that's where he's messed up. Cause he's just like, I just feel like you just want to go be a and a and I'm like, yeah with you. So that's where that comes in. That I think it's so interesting that you're talking about this because no matter how I cut it, I didn't sleep around.

Kristel (28:01):

But let me tell you why I didn't sleep around aside from religion because we all break religion at some, some different place. I was a perfectionist. That's literally the only reason why I didn't sleep around. I was like, what if I don't kiss? Right. What if I don't do it? Right? What if I'm not like the porn star? What if I'm like, I didn't have boobs. So I was always self-conscious I still don't have boobs, but now I'm like, okay with it. I'm like, whatever. But back then I compared myself, like I had no boobs. So I remember like when I did become sexually active, I would always keep a bra on. And it was that disgusting, like three size, bigger padded bra from Victoria's secret that made me even more insecure because all I would see as the gap between my boob and the bra.

Kristel (28:44):

And it was just like, so there was so many elements that I wasn't comfortable with my body. I didn't know my body. I didn't love my body, so I couldn't give it to someone else. So it just was never an urge for me. And so I just shut that down, but I also didn't explore masturbation. I never had that urge of like, I'm so horny, but I can't have sex because I'm a Christian. So that's been interesting for me too, is I, I don't know what my sex drive is. Like, I, I have rarely had those moments where I'm like super, like I need it and I need it now. You know, like when I hear women say like, oh, I have a vibrator. Like if I go two days without getting it, I need to get mine or whatever. I'm like, I kind of envy that.

Kristel (29:27):

Cause I've never had that feeling. And so I don't know. And I'm also learning, which is why I'm sharing this. I'm also learning that that's okay too. And that's normal too, that there are women that just don't have a high sex drive and that there, and that it could just be because I have trauma and it could be because I have hormone imbalance. Like the last time I got my blood work done, my testosterone was like insanely low. And he's like, no wonder your libido is like jacked up. So they're like, there's so many levels to it. But ultimately I'll just say it was very basic. I was such the novice, the prude, the good curl. And you know, here I am. So yeah. I don't know where you want to go with that.

Kristen (30:11):

Yeah. So, you know, I turned 50 last year and I have, I've been married once. I'll just, I'll just out myself because I have yet to disclose this and it's no big secret. I have had 26 sexual partners all before I've had sex with women. I've done all kinds of stuff, like all kinds of stuff. And yeah, a lot of that was fantastic. And some of that was actually with my husband. So I love, I love where you are. Cause I think it's so you are in, you're in an authentic, radically honest inquiry into your own sexuality and your husband is in his own relationship with what that means. And I am like, we were talking about this before we hit record. Like there's all kinds of stuff that I, I am actively consciously renegotiating, renegotiating re like I get to define with my husband, what marriage actually is, what does it look like? What does it entail? What kind of freedoms and boundaries are we, what box do we want to fit in? And which ones just don't fit us. So anything. And I know, you know, this, anything is possible. Absolutely anything. And I love, I love that. You're just doing this, having these conversations and doing this work because this is it. This is awesome. Yeah.

Kristel (31:43):

Just so I'm like refraining from asking you so many questions. Cause I know we're going to interview and I'm not. So if you see me writing on my oh, oh, oh. So like just know that because I'm so excited to like reverse this table. Okay. It turn the tables.

Speaker 3 (31:57):

So yes, if you haven't guessed

Kristen (31:59):

Already I'm interviewing crystal and then we are going to stop this recording and she's going to interview me because this is just such a really, it's just a great, it's just a great conversation. So tell me how this has, because I feel like I, to not, not as far as like I'm doing like sexuality or sensuality in my work, but in doing different sorts of like, I feel like I have grown and evolved in the work that I do and how I work with women. And mine really is ultimately about full self-expression. Is it is the claiming of all the parts of ourselves, even the ones that feel like they cancel each other out. Right. Like even that, that to me is, is radical, full self-expression, radical self-expression. So in the work that you do, like, what is the thing that what's the impact that you, that you feel like you want to have on your clients, on women? On, even if it's like on, for me, I know I'm a system disruptor, like I want to rewrite the rules. So what's the impact that you ultimately, even if it's just for right now, you don't have to, you, it doesn't even have to be like, oh, the future, but like the impact that you would be just so, so lit up to have on, on other people. Yeah. 

Kristel (33:17):

I do believe that it ultimately is self-expression expression, which is interesting because, and I'll put it in my own words, but at the core it's self-expression, which is why, like you were saying, you don't necessarily have sexuality and stuff in your work. Neither do I, I just happened to be doing season two of my podcasts on this because I can't teach any further without addressing this, this topic. It just, it aids. And it stopped me in my tracks and I didn't see it coming, which is why it's so funny. Like, I think I mentioned this and I don't remember if it was in the interview or off before we recorded, but I said how my husband is having a hard time with all of this. And he was like, what are you Dr. Ruth now, like, you know, he's like calling me all of a sudden this self-proclaimed sex expert and he didn't even want me to talk about relationships.

Kristel (34:11):

And, you know, I love my husband and going back to the backlash that I got for the, the video with my girls, that's ultimately what I think at the core I is self-expression at its finest is being willing to risk it all. I'm not saying, and this is one of the hardest things. Like it could bring me to tears because my husband has faced me with that, that sentence, like, okay, you want to do this podcast, but at the risk of our marriage. And, and here's the thing is like at first, my first reaction is, well, of course not like I even aired an episode that he was uncomfortable with because I told the girl that I was interviewing. But if I were to be with a girl, a woman, I would be with a girly girl because I don't understand why, why be with a, a manly girl?

Kristel (35:01):

Like I can be with a man at that point. And that was just my, and it was hypothetical. And he was like, you're airing on live podcasts that you would want to be with a girl. And he was so uncomfortable and I ripped down, I took down the episode immediately and it was because I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I just, before any further anything, I just took it down. And my point of sharing this is that at first reaction because of conditioning and because I want to keep my marriage and I want to be a good wife and I want to, you know, keep my family together. Yes. I'm not going to risk it all for my family. But then if I'm honest with myself, how can I possibly be the best woman and be fully expressed in my marriage if I'm not fully expressing my truth.

Kristel (35:46):

And this is the thing that has been very, very tough and complicated for my marriage, because I'm calling them growing pains. I'm telling my husband, I am committed a F to you into this relationship. And as long as we can continue to love each other and accept each other in our full truth, we are going to make it. But I ultimately, unfortunately, just not even, unfortunately, I just don't believe that we were sent here to be someone's wife, someone's mother. And, you know, we just weren't, that's not like that's what we pass through. We are the best soul of birthing other children, but those children are not ours. Ultimately those children have their own gifts and messages and callings on their life, and same with our partners. And that's been one of the most challenging, like it's been one of the most challenging truths for me to admit, because for me to admit it is scary.

Kristel (36:43):

It's scary to let go of control of my relationship that I've held tight. When you talk about renegotiating those boundaries in your marriage, that's where we're at. And it's scary because I don't want to rewrite them because I don't want to give him freedom, but then I want the freedom. And it's not about freedom to, you know, we're not at the point where it's like open relationship or anything like that, but it's even just down to, like, we used to not even travel. Like we used to not even let each other go out of town without each other, because we couldn't trust that we weren't going to go and do something, which in hindsight is so interesting because where is the subconscious blind, like blatantly saying, this is what you're capable of because we're human. And that may be a part of our desire. So for us to try to control it, I'm now at this point with my husband where I'm like, I would rather us be together and be completely radically honest with each other than be together and live a half-life and a half-life and sort of like wrap that into, what am I wanting for people is I want people to be fully expressed.

Kristel (37:44):

But ultimately I guess I narrow my like big promise to people down to like helping them with communication, connection and con consistency and confidence. I've like boiled it down to those four CS and all of them, I believe are possible only when you get honest. And I think so, ultimately I want people to live in their truth. And it's interesting cause I had the word tattooed truth on my arm that I got like years ago randomly on a Tuesday afternoon was bored out of my mind. And I just was like, I want the word truth. And now I get it. Cause I've always been a truth seeker. And that's what I ultimately want is I want people to be honest, be honest about what you want, who you are and be unapologetic about it because that's where the real freedom you're searching. Is it just, that's where you meet God. That's where you meet freedom, abundance. It's in your truth. But if you keep lying because you should be something or because you don't want people to judge you, you are going to perish. I think that's living. Hell. It really is. So I know that was a long-winded answer, but it's like, that's like what I'm up to?

Kristen (38:52):

Yeah. It's not in, you know what? I there's so many, there's so many parallels. Like we knew, cause the minute that I said, Hey, I want you to be on my podcast. I said, you know, I was like, I saw your Instagram the video with the girls and you're like, holy. And I told you the name and you're like, can you be on mine? And there was such resonance. There was such just like, and here's why it is no accident that women are waking up. We're waking up to our conditioning. We're waking up to these roles that have oppressed us for so long, the role of wife versus, the role of mother versus, you know, whatever. Like whatever else we can, we, we can't be this and this at the same time. So it's threatening for our partners. It's threatening that we are saying, hold on a minute, like, hold on.

Kristen (39:41):

This is not, this is not only who I am. And it's not like you're saying because I get it. Cause I'm like, I'm having the same sort of same sort of dialogue about what's possible. Not even what's possible between us here in our marriage, but like what's possible for him. Like what do you want? Like magic one life. Like what do you want? And how much of that are you committed to working towards? Because I am all in on me being on all of it. What you just said, being fully self-expressed claiming all the parts of myself, radical honesty, like radical truth telling and telling the truth. And I've I even did you, you, you did PhD with this leadership training leadership program. Mine was, let's get real how to tell the truth without losing your husband, your friends or your job. It's so threatening.

Kristen (40:30):

It's so threatening to us that we think the ground that we walk on, we know that if we say, Hey, I know I said this, but really what the, really the truth is this over here. And I still love you. What can we do with this now? It's not like I have to tell the truth and everything falls apart. Or we scrap everything. We throw the baby out with the bath water, which I've been there. I'd be like, is this really what I want? Do I really want to be in this relationship? Is this working for me? I know there's a both. And I know that there is the next level. And I will tell you, you and I are not the only ones because I am in a community of women and all of the women that are married or like we're doing this growth and we're moving forward. And our men aren't, you know, they're, they're, they're aware they are. And we're the ones turning the lights on and saying, Hmm, this is actually what's most important. Me and you and us being really, really authentic and honest about who we are and what we want. Yeah.

Kristel (41:33):

Yeah. And I, I, I know we're like kind of coming to an end and I just want to, like, I, or I don't know, I'm not trying to end your show, but I'm just like feeling like, but I want to make sure that I say this too, that one of the things I've learned about feminine essence and especially to speak to anybody who's listening, who is like trapped behind religion beliefs. Cause that's a big part of mine and it's a big one that my husband uses. And so here's my problem with religion and control is it's so convenient when it works for you. Like you can pull that card when it's like threatening your safety net. But when you're doing all the hundred other things like, like, and I'll just use this. Cause I publicly talk about this all the time. I habitually went through my husband's phone.

Kristel (42:19):

And so I have a very, very complex brute, deep rooted trauma pattern that for years, and I'm talking 10 plus years, seeing my husband talk about other women, not actually being with them, but just talking about, oh, her looks good. Oh, her is fat. Oh. And with his guys, like he had this core group of guys and they would always talk about that. Number one, he doesn't want me to out that because that's his privacy. So he weaponized privacy for in that way. Right. Cause he's protecting his, what he looks like. And he knows people might look, look at this, but I try to tell him, like, I still love you, even though you did that. All I want is the truth. All I want is if I want to show my butt on Instagram, which I may or may not don't sensor my stuff.

Kristel (43:08):

Don't sensor the same things that you're looking at. And don't fault me for wanting to be that like, it's no wonder women are going and buying the butts and feeling like they have to have the boobs. And like I'm all for it. I'm an advocate of both. And because I believe that as long as you're good on the inside, go enhance, do whatever you want to do. I'm I'm not an, I'm not an advocate against it yet. Maybe I will be one day. I don't know. But as of right now, my truth is like, do what makes you feel good? But make sure you're feeling good from the inside out. However, it's no wonder it is tearing our society down. That men will not just be honest that they like that, that they can be married and be attracted to other women. And I had like, I will never forget when the walls melted down, it was this, it was my healer who I was like, I can't do this.

Kristel (43:56):

Like I was hyperventilating. I had went through his phone. It had been a long time. I consider myself to be like, in my recovery. It's like counting my AA years. It's like I'm one year and six months clean. I'm not going through his phone. But I, at that time I had had a remission and I went through his phone and I still saw the same. And so what kept me out of his phone for that the prior two years maybe was this belief that maybe he's grown out of that maybe he's better. Now we go to church every Sunday. So you probably isn't talking about and whores and, right? No same stuff. Same stuff, same stuff. And so I was like, I can't do this. I literally cannot do this anymore. I don't know what to do. And it was like, part of me did not want to walk away.

Kristel (44:42):

Like I love my marriage. I love my husband. I love my life. And other part of me was completely disgusted, done over it. And she asked me, she said, and this is the power of having a third party. You guys like, this is the power of having someone who's out of your emotional, mental brain. She says, can you accept your husband? If he never changes? And he always goes and has that in his phone. And I'm like, oh my God, how come I never thought of it that way? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I've literally been with him, but I've just been resisting it, like wanting to control it and make it stop. And it doesn't stop. And so the moment that I just accepted it as like, and I, and I was honest with her, I'm like, you know, what's so crazy about the way you're posing.

Kristel (45:27):

This question to me is like, I get in the rabbit hole. I'm on Instagram, looking at these women like, oh my gosh, she's beautiful. Oh my gosh. Look at her body. Oh my gosh, her curves are amazing. Oh my gosh, her boobs just sit so perfectly. How can I ever deny that of my husband, who is a visual creature, who is wired biologically to appreciate that just as well. And so I finally just surrendered and it was such a teaching moment for me because I teach that like what we resist persists. And when I stopped resisting it and I just accepted it, it went away. Like I have no urge to even look at his phone. I don't even care. It's like, if it's in there, great, if it's not, who cares? And so like now though, I've come to this place where I'm like, but don't control me.

Kristel (46:14):

Like, I'm going to stop controlling you, but you're going to stop controlling me. And that's where we're having that friction. Oh. So to say what I was leading to saying, it's the love is what I found the, the essence of our feminine energy can, can, can really melt anything. And that's what I've been seeing when I try to fight in my, well, you did this, well, you had in your phone, so I'm going to do this. That doesn't work. But when I'm like, I love you. And like, and I just come from love and I'm soft. And I'm in this feminine, like this isn't about me and your past. This is about right now in the present moment, I'm going to hear you. And I'm going to empathize with you that you feel threatened and triggered and afraid. And not enough, like when I really just get to the bottom of why he's triggered, I'm able to then stroke his ego, if that's what it is, or just tell him like, and I don't even know if that's what we should quote unquote should be doing.

Kristel (47:15):

Right. But I'm able to at least meet him where he's at and love on him instead of meet him with like more resistance. Right. And so that's just something that I've really been navigating and watching and, and without going too much detail just for sake of time and also his privacy, like he's surrendering to a lot of parts of me, like the things that he'll resist, it's almost like I'm watching the peak of emotion and then he comes down off of it. And then he's like, okay, what were you saying again about trying that thing? Or what, like, what were you like, what did you mean when you were, you know, and he's open, but in order to get them open, you have to ride the wave of like their emotional trigger moment. And then you may come down, then it's like, okay, equal human to human, raw, vulnerable to vulnerable person. What were we, what were we saying? Know? And that's been magical. Like, so in the hard moments, there's been some beautiful pockets of like seeing the glimpse of what's possible for us. Yeah.

Kristen (48:15):

I'd love everything that you're saying. So we, so I don't know when this interview is going to air on my show and I'm not sure when, when, when mine's going to interview or era on yours, but what, how magical that we just, for those of you listening, or we're going to pick probably a lot of this back up and talk about it on yours, but I just wanted to end with first of all, thank you. Thank you. Most, most importantly, like what means the most to me, you being here is your authenticity and your vulnerability, because I love that you're not coming in here being like, oh, I got it all figured out. You're like, I'm the too. Like, I'm, I'm in this with my husband. We're, I'm, I'm, you know, you're, I I'm like, it's palpable that you're in this right now. And that is, that is life like, just being courageous enough to tell the truth to yourself, like where it starts is like, I get to claim and own that I'm thinking about this, or I'm questioning this. Or, and it doesn't mean anything about anything, but, but it takes a lot of courage to, to be where you are and to be public about it. So I acknowledge you for that.

Kristel (49:25):

Yeah. Thank you. And same to you for even holding the space for it, to be a place to do that and for, to feel comfortable. So thank you. Because I also noticed when I'm not open like this, like as, as transparent as I am, it's like, I know the people who aren't even ready to hear the truth, you know, so then it makes me guard my own truth. And so I appreciate you for being so open and allowing that space.

Kristen (49:49):

Absolutely. 100%. So I want to share with the audience, what your favorite quote is, “live and let live” You have proven that today. Thank you so much, Kristel. You know, there's so much like there's just so much good. The word I'm looking for is like, like there's, we're on such the same page and there's so much resonance here. So thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing yourself. For those of you listening, if you haven't gotten authenticity and vulnerability from, from Kristel David, hit rewind and play it again because you dropped a lot of it. So thank you for being here and thank you for being so authentic and so vulnerable. And for those of you listening, I will see you next time. Thanks so much. This is Kristen and I'm out.