S2:E5 What I learned from 2022

Hoooweeee, December really kicked my ass! From starting a condensed real estate school program that firehosed me with insane amounts of mind-crushing definitions to the HARDEST Christmas of my life, in this episode I share just how challenging the end of 2022 was for me.  

This episode I share about the heartbreak of having my first Christmas as a divorced family and the ache of hopes and dreams I once had for my family which are now gone.

I get super emotional, real and raw on this one.  

To watch this episode on YouTube, go here: https://youtu.be/t_lV83bBfuQ

My apologies, the audio quality on this is not great.  I'm working in a new office and the acoustics need fixing :)

Transcript

00:00.00
kristenlena
Well hello if you if you are watching me on Youtube or if you're listening to me, you can tell my voice sounds low messed up I've been sick all week. Woke up on New Year's day 2023 with the sickness and it's been kicking my ass all week as of this recording it is January Sixth Twenty Twenty three and I am just starting to feel better. If. You're also watching me on Youtube you'll notice that my hair is super blonde. real real blonde um I asked my stylist to go bold and she fucking did um this is ah.

00:52.66
kristenlena
My first episode in a while and I wanted to take an opportunity to share with you some of the harder lessons that I've learned over the last two months wow you know it's if you're an entrepreneur. There's this saying that goes around that says entrepreneurship is I don't know something like the craziest personal development that you can do so is divorce. So is the the process on so many different levels judicial legal emotional financial. Mental physical spiritual like and in every way. It's just a crazy experience hard I'll be sipping my jen my chaw tea. Because I love it and it makes me feel a little bit better and who this has been a rough couple months November and December.

02:23.17
kristenlena
2022 really challenged me it just really challenged me so I want to share you know I talk a lot about human design and one of the ways that I'm designed. Is to make mistakes and learn from my mistakes. What's ironic about that is that I spent the majority of my youth. My childhood my youth. My early teens my early 20 s being so petrified of making mistakes that I would just. Not do anything or if I made mistakes I would just get so angry I would be so angry that I wasn't perfect that I looked at other people and I didn't see any of their flaws or mistakes and here I am. 52 years old learning that I'm actually supposed to make mistakes as a part and as a process of my learning Yay I mean I am at a point where I feel like. Wow hindsight is hindsight is 2020 when you're on the other side of something you're in the process of going you know transitioning from one 1 phase of life to another.

03:57.69
kristenlena
If You can stay present What I'm what I'm learning is if I can stay in my body if I can not do the things that I want to do to avoid feeling. Any sort of pain or Discomfort. So if I can actually stay in the muck the mud the hurt the pain if I can not stay in it not stay in it to wallow in it not like roll around in it and be like ah woe is me. Not that but to be in it feel what it feels like to be in pain Sad grieving. You know, experiencing the loss if I can stay in that and be in that I can I can actually learn something from that. There's a lesson for me there. There's something for me to to get and if I'm here to make mistakes and fail and like use that use that to help other people like the a there's a whole lot of relief around that like oh I'm not.

05:28.60
kristenlena
Fucked up like there's nothing so inherently broken about me. Ah, this is this is how I'm designed. This is my path. This is part of my you know. Way that I move through this thing called human being and human doing and human lifeing like ah okay and this is the this is why I fucking Love human design. This is why I love human design because it turns lights on. Where before there was confusion or darkness or even just self-judgment right? How many times we compare ourselves to the way other people do life and the way it looks for other people. So I'm designed. To make mistakes learn from those mistakes and then teach from those mistakes if you've been around me any length of time you've heard any of my other podcast episodes. Hopefully that's the message that you receive because that is the message that I yeah. I'm here to deliver So I'm just going to apologize once I'm going to try to apologize once and not again for the remainder of this recording apologize for my voice and my sniffling and you know.

06:59.00
kristenlena
I bring the real if nothing else you know that I bring the real fucking me to the to the party. Ah I will say that um the the the. This Christmas this past Christmas was the hardest I mean worst Christmas of my adult life because it was the first as separating. Fracturing of a fracturing family as a not you know I don't mean fracturing isn't like a bad thing like we're splitting. We're no longer a unit. We're no longer a unit of 4 or a unit of 3 and 3 wow I just got that I just got how I just got how beautiful that is so we went from a family of 4 a unit of 4 to now a unit of 3 in a unit of 3 which seems much more. Abundant to me I mean if you if that's an option to look at it that way. Why not or now a unit. We're now 2 units of 3 which makes up six I don't know I like it I just that just came in awesome fuck. Yeah I love it.

08:32.29
kristenlena
So it was hard because we'd made plans to my ex and I have have decided that for this first year we are going to spend all the major holidays together. Ah, 4 of us Thanksgiving was our first um it was here with my family and he's we live here in Arizona and my family lives here in Arizona so he's he's been around my family this entire time. Um I haven't been around his family and so there was a lot of trepidation for me traveling to California to spend Christmas with his family because I don't know I didn't know what they were thinking of me I didn't know how they felt about me I didn't know if there was.

09:26.89
kristenlena
Anger or you know sadness or you know they were feeling some kind of of something towards me I I didn't know because we don't we haven't really communicated. It was very painful to. Tell his mom and his aunt and his other brother over face time that we were divorcing. We did that back in I want to say August I want to say August we did that together and I was heart wrenching. And was heart wwrenching to see.

10:18.98
kristenlena
I Had a feeling.

10:26.46
kristenlena
Had a feeling this would have and today um today I signed.

10:36.66
kristenlena
The I don't know what it's called Legal Papers I was when you're when you do a divorce. There's a lawsuit.

10:50.91
kristenlena
That's filed against you you you know one person is the there's the legal term for it I don't know what it is petitioner and then I'm the respondent and in courts.

11:08.15
kristenlena
It's a lawsuit like you get served papers and so it's so Impersonal. You know it's like it's so just. Like devoid of any humanity. You know our judicial system our medical system Our governments. It's just devoid of Humanity. It's devoid of any sort of.. It's Robotic. It's it's anything but personal. It's anything but connected and I Just you know it's It's interesting because I there's. Emotions I just wasn't expecting I wasn't expecting I wasn't expecting to you know feel. Feel such sadness and grief and every time it comes up every time it comes up I allow it I allow it. That's literally what I teach.

12:37.75
kristenlena
So here it is um I was talking about when we told my mother-in-law over face time and she started crying.

12:55.90
kristenlena
And of course I started crying and the and I know out I hadn't really, we hadn't talked since and I didn't know what I was I didn't know what I was walking into. Going to her home with both of his aunts his brothers. My sister in law I don't I don't know it's not been communicated I'm gonna pause here and clean myself up for a second. Okay. This is the real. This is the real deal guys like I think this is where the beauty we find we find.

13:50.12
kristenlena
We cannot bypass the difficult emotions and by it I stand in this like convicted convicted in this truth This is something that runs through my body. It is unequivocal. There is. There's no doubt that I have in any part of me.

14:17.44
kristenlena
Around how important vitally important it is for us to feel these shitty hard uncomfortable devastating emotions when we're alone. When we're with the people that we love when we're with people who are safe who are safe people and for someone like me on any public platform I am just not going to pretend that I'm okay when I'm not okay I've never been able to do that. And I always thought that meant that there was something wrong with me god Krista why can't you just hold it together I'm not supposed to hold it together when we're falling apart. We're just not but we're just not divorce. Devastating death is excruciating. Loss is heartbreaking and this I mean this is everything that I teach. Um, I'm going I'm in the eye of the storm people. So of course I'm going to break down of course I'm going to I'd be I'd be a liar if I sat here and and tried to choke back tears about what's happening in my life right now.

15:53.90
kristenlena
I'd be a hypocrite do as I say no as I do so we'd face timed in August and that really was the last time that I had. Spoken to his family other than his aunt who lives here in Arizona um, hadn't spoken to his brother. We. You know we don't speak and unless we see each other you know holidays anyway, really and I was just I just. I had so much trepidation I had so much like uncertainty about what I was walking into I didn't know I didn't know so I felt I was guarded. There was apprehension I was nervous.

16:49.82
kristenlena
And I knew that I was going to break dabble out there I knew that I was going to feel feel all kinds of things and um I'll just say my experience of his family is they are not emotional his mom. Because Mom my mother-in-law is I think that's why I love her I Think that's why I feel safe with her because she is emotional but it's interesting because she's emotional and then she you know it's like this. Um. Um, and I gotta to hold it together. Everyone else is like let me just say this if you're around me and we're doing any kind of we're doing any sort of having any sort of conversation. It's gonna go deep. And if it goes deep. It's going to hit a nerve and if it hits a nerve.. It's going to cause and an emotional reaction like I I tell I mean my clients know this I said you know if you're not experiencing some level. Some emotional reaction or response. You're not going deep enough So That's what you get with me so you know walking in I knew. Okay, this is the last time.

18:18.87
kristenlena
Probably I'll be at this house I stayed at her house I stayed at her house and um so will be the last thing so everything is the first or the last you know it's like oh this is the last time this is gonna happen or this is probably the last time I'll be.

18:35.73
kristenlena
You know in this in this house staying in this house for a Christmas holiday and um and again and also the trepidation of I don't know how they feel about me once I get there and everyone's pretty much fine. Everyone's pretty much fine, but it was just. I mean some things occurred that I'm not ready to talk about some things happened that I'm just I'm still I'm still processing I'm still working through I still have very strong feelings about and I'm not I'm not willing to. Talk about them when I still have very strong feelings about them. So I'm I'm choosing to put that I'm choosing to table that until until I've processed and I'm on the other side of my emotions. My my. Their negative harsh emotions. There's usual. So here's what I know about anger. Um.

19:44.63
kristenlena
It's usually covering up some other sort of softer emotion like sadness like grief like loss and I'm still working through the anger part. So I just get to I get to do that on my own. Um because I'm still in a.

20:04.14
kristenlena
In a blaming sort of a place with it. That's enough. That's enough said about that. So Christmas was hard and um, you know it was just hard and then we. Um, got stuck in California with the southwest the storm southwest grounded and canceled like thousands of flights. Ours was one of them. So the plan was my ex took them up for the first week of their. Winter break Christmas was right in the middle I went I went up Christmas Eve was there Christmas day we were leaving the day after Christmas the twenty sixth on a plane I had driven my car to phoenix airport parked. It. It's like it's it's three days. It's fine and um, we got grounded. We got our flight got canceled and damn all I wanted to do is I wanted to be done I wanted to be done I wanted to come home I wanted to be with my girls I wanted to. You know was in this uncomfortable situation for you know with this 72 out 70 to 12 times now. 48 is 48 plus level of god Don make me do math.

21:38.00
kristenlena
60 whatever 3 days how many hours is three days whatever three days trying to do fancy math in my head you're all laughing at me too. If you're not laughing. There's something wrong with you need to start laughing and so I was done and our flight wasn't until like. 7 it like 1 of the last flights out on the day after Christmas I had even looked at like a couple days earlier I looked at like maybe I should just get on an earlier flight. You know what probably should have done that our flight gets canceled. We find out around 1 pm and I'm not in a good place with my ex and i'm. All I want to do is get home and so I start coming up with what can I get? What can I do I look at flights of other airlines from $700 one way. 1 ticket. We're talking 3 tickets $700 to $1800 one way probably like. Multiple stops too I probably have to go to new york first and then I'm like oh my god I call the um enterprise rent to car. Nothing I can't rent a car to take me from san jose california to phoenix arizona I can't even rent a car. Locally. Everything's there's nothing and then finally my ex decided you know I let him know it was happening. He lent us his car. He had driven um and he was staying for another week so

23:11.21
kristenlena
We drove and I hate driving I mean I hate that drive. It's you know it's it's a 12 hour drive I hate sitting I hate driving. It's uncomfortable but I was grateful. so so so so so grateful so we just split it up. We left it like four o'clock on on Monday we got to Baker's field that like 9 had a great night's sleep I did not sleep Christmas day one day I'll tell you the story. Okay, but I'm on the other side of it. Umm, going to tell you about the story and what I learned from that story I'm still not in a place where I've learned anything from it. So and then the next morning we woke up to 27. That's our twenty seventh

24:05.51
kristenlena
And then drove home and it was totally doable and we're really grateful to be home I think it's hysterical that I'm recording a podcast episode with just like whatever voice this is that I have it's like ah emphysema and Chronic Smoker C O Pd just. You know, old man voice. What a I Really I've really been wanting to chat talk share connect with you and um in.

24:44.98
kristenlena
Here. Um, you know I'm being discerning in my mind about what I what I want to share what is appropriate for me to share and if you follow me on Instagram it's at the Kristen Lina is my Instagram. If you follow me, you'll notice that over the last couple of days I have been posting about people pleasing about toxic happiness and this is all all because what I've learned what I'm coming what I'm learning coming. You know like getting to you know. Getting to the other side of being married There will be a whole new chapter of what it looks like to co parent. But but but what I'm learning from the separation you know after 20 years with this person. Is how devastating how devastating it is when 2 people are not aligned in their definitions of communication and and what I'll I'll elaborate on that how I communicate. Is almost the opposite of how he communicates how I define disclosure or telling the truth or being honest is on the opposite end of the spectrum of how he defines it.

26:20.56
kristenlena
And what I'm working through right now is that his way is not wrong. Woo his way is not wrong and my way is not right and at the same time and at the same time. Things that I'm speaking about are about the the level at which 2 people can be connected over time like they can have a thriving relationship where they're actually. Coming together. Not moving apart. It takes something being on almost on this side of that relationship 20 years together. What happened you know is slowly slowly over time. We just kept going like this and the ways that we view communication and the ways that we view telling the truth are radically different from each other. Are radically misaligned from each other. So.

27:47.37
kristenlena
You know I'm like not good. Bad, not not right wrong I don't I don't like to operate in those in those realms I don't like to operate in good bad right? wrong. Because I don't see life that way I don't see the world that way I see my view your view and I I believe there's always a way to come together I you don't human I don't have to have the same view. We do not have to have this if we had to have the same view. We would have been extinct a long fucking time ago long time ago I believe we have to have a commitment to understanding listening and. Communicating our view and holding a space that their view is valid. The other person's view is valid I'm being so cryptic. It's just I I just have to be cryptic at this point you guys to because yeah because I just I just at this point I do so if you've noticed on my Instagram last couple of days I have been talking a lot about people pleasing people pleasing is actually lying people. Pleasing is also a trauma response.

29:18.95
kristenlena
So I am not bashing people Pleasers people pleasers have have decided that it is safer for them.

29:32.54
kristenlena
It's safer for them to give up their own needs and not cause disturbance because they probably were raised in massive amounts of disturbance and all they wanted was like peace and safety. And I can see how that played out in my marriage I can see how that plays out with a ah lot of people that I talked to so I am not shaming bashing ah at all people pleasers.

30:06.85
kristenlena
I am not a people pleaser I am direct as fuck bordering on Harsh I will admit that all day long.

30:21.12
kristenlena
And I crave that with the people close to me that feels safe to me isn't that nuts isn't it nuts that avoidance and deflection and um. What's that word where you're trying to.. It's like a sort of the sea. It doesn't Matter. It's not going to come to me where you're trying to like keep the piece. Smooth everything over not cause any waves not ruffle any feathers that feels like safety to other people people who are conflict avoiders people pleasers. Peacemakers. There's nothing wrong with that I'm not I'm not judging that in any form or fashion. What I'm saying is when that happens at the at the expense of communicating. Like how communicating your own feelings that shit will be toxic over time for you. It will also be toxic for the other person if you pretend like everything's okay, but really, it's not.

31:43.16
kristenlena
And you're not willing to have the conversations to say It's not okay. It will be catastrophic for your relationships. It might be catastrophic for I say Catastrophic not to be dramatic but like catastrophic like Earth It will not work. It will it will end in demise.

32:03.68
kristenlena
I'm I I'm not I'm not bashing people pleasers I'm just saying unless 2 be unless 2 people pleasers are together right. Might be a good con that might be a good mix I don't know I don't know but someone like me who needs direct hit me between the eyes communication tell me exactly how you feel what's going on. It's devastating to me to be with someone like that to to because what it creates for me is a lack of a lack of safety and a lack of trust when. When there's inconsistency with your words and the energy or actions around your words I don't feel safe I will not come to towards you. Will put up some I will put up some kind of barrier. It won't happen probably right away. It'll happen over time. All of this stuff you guys all of the the things that occurred in my marriage happened slowly over time. There were some.

33:29.42
kristenlena
And and this is none of I'll say it fucking again. This is not his fault. This is not his fault and what I'm what I'm doing with the pain that I am experiencing. Now what I'm what I'm doing is I'm looking back and saying okay Kristen that shit didn't work your relationship broke down What do you What did you learn? What did what did you get from this. How can you take this pain learn from it and dude. Something different the next time guys. That's pretty much our only option is it not is it not we fuck up because we're human we make mistakes because we're human, we hurt. Other people because we're human learn from it. What did you learn I learned I require being with someone who has the same relationship to communication and the truth that I do or. Something close something close please I require it I require like I require from the people in my life to not have to guess if what they're saying.

35:03.34
kristenlena
Like if the words coming out of their mouth are the truth can I trust can I trust that what you're saying is really what's happening for you.

35:22.87
kristenlena
Um, it's I Just want to say? Thank you I You know? Thank you for listening and also you know when I come on here I'm having a conversation with you and so it is cathartic and healing for me.

35:41.60
kristenlena
It's healing for me to it's not comfortable. I had to full on sweaty pits when I was Crying. It's not comfortable, but it's healing and that's what I'm here for I'm not here for but not here for the bullshit. I'm not here for it. So What I learned. I Have a relationship with honesty and the truth and the way that I communicate that I have expected other people to reciprocate I've expected other people in my life to be. To be the same and that may not be a fair expectation. It had. It wasn't a fair expectation but I didn't know you don't know what you don't know you can't see what you can't see called a blind spot. I Just had this assumption that everyone had the same relationship with the truth that I did they had the same commitment to direct, honest and forthright communication that I do those were my assumptions.

37:01.74
kristenlena
I was Wrong. So I get to take that I get to take that and be really really really clear and also discerning. And also discerning I will tell you one of the mistakes that I made in the beginning of our relationship and I don't know if I I can look at it now and be like oh I should have but I didn't because I didn't have the capacity at the time I should have called forward. The inconsistencies. Should have said you know you're saying this but I'm getting this and would that have done would that have done anything I don't know would that have changed anything fuck I don't know the only way that I know is going fucking through it and looking back on it me like well that didn't work. Shit next time and so the work is mine. The work is mine to do. What is my work to do knowing knowing where my expectations are and communicating them.

38:15.20
kristenlena
Then that the next step. But after communicating the expectations like listen I don't mean expectations like this to go I mean expectations like this is what I require I know myself enough to know that I require right xyzabc I require this I teach requirement I teach this concept in my course radical authenticity. The requirements are boundaries and I know now what is an absolute unequivocal non-negotiable. Requirement for my partners I know it now. How do I know it because I went through not having it I went through not establishing the boundary not as I'm sorry I established the boundary I went through not enforcing the boundary I went through not. Having the discussion the conversations to say hey there's an inconsistency here I'm feeling you're saying 1 thing but you're acting another you're saying 1 thing but your actions don't line up so what is it? That's what I've learned and I and I get to hold myself accountable I'm the one who just. Kind of was like oh well I'll just go look at all these other things that are really great and you know what I'm I'm not regretful about it. I'm not I'm my beautiful children out of this relationship I learned a shit ton about myself out of this relationship. All all.

39:50.80
kristenlena
All of it. Ah, the the tragedy the grief the sadness all of the like pain that I'm going through so blessing. It's a blessing I'm.

40:03.38
kristenlena
Ah, better person for having gone through everything that I went through everything that I'm going through right now I'm a better person for it.

40:13.82
kristenlena
I can see like the there's There's a gift in all of it. There's a gift in everything every bit of pain that we go through every every lie. Ah, use a little air quotes.

40:37.00
kristenlena
Everything is a chance for us to write our course. Every conversation is a chance to create something something else something new something truer something more in alignment. And alignment doesn't mean that you have to be like me alignment just means are we are we aligned are we still aligned are we aligned after all these years and this is the this is the thing about long term relationships. Fuck I'm not even halfway the same person I was when we got together when I was 32 you kidding I have literally like transformed multiple times over that's that's. That's ah, that's a topic for another episode Hobby 2023 people.

41:45.51
kristenlena
I Am happy to be I'm happy to have this platform like this platform feels like the most safe space for me to be like authentic. To be me to say all the things I don't feel free to say all the things that I want to say on social media simply because it's someone else's platform This is mine right? This is this is the beauty of the podcast platform.

42:22.51
kristenlena
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Um I'd love to hear your feelings I'd love to hear your hear your emotions. Love it I Live for the emotions I just.

42:37.96
kristenlena
Is where I believe human beings connect with each other our emotional body our feelings as is our heart so message me on Instagram at the Kristin Lina and let me know how how you're doing. And me know how you're doing I love holding space for people. It's the best shit ever. Happy 2023 I love you I really do and I'll see you next time.