S2:E4 When life gets HARD, do this

It's been a minute since I recorded an episode (one month to be exact) and a LOT has been happening in my life. 

In this episode I recount where I've been and what I've been feeling this last month like ... Moving out of the home that I conceived, birthed and have been raising my children in for the last 16 years.  Finalizing my divorce with a mediator.  Feeling massive amounts of grief, sadness and loss while almost simultaneously feeling ecstatic, free, excited and full of possibility.

Life is a rollercoaster and I'm so glad I know how to ride them!

I also share some lovely stories of support I've received from dear friends as well as a heartbreaking experience I had with my youngest. 

Listen in and let me know how you're doing (my fave method is DM on Instagram) and if you've experienced anything similar.

To watch this episode on YouTube, go here. 

Transcript

00:00.28
kristenlena
Well hello there. It's been a minute I realize it's been a minute so I decided to fill you in catch you up on what's been going on with me the last episode that I recorded. The sacred as fuck podcast was ah right after I had gotten back from my trip to Costa Rica the wild woman retreat all the shit that opened up. Um and that was October Twenty ninth I do believe the last episode I recorded called the power of the pussy was October Twenty ninth today as of this recording I am nearly one month later. Ah November Twenty Eighth and let me just catch you up with all of the things that have been occurring in my life. So for those of you who are brand new to me to my podcast to my work hello my name's Kristin Lena I am the host of the sacred as fuck podcast and also. Sacred as fuck down & dirty podcast that one is where I tell tales of all of the let's just call them the down and the dirty versions.

01:33.40
kristenlena
What's occurring in my life which means the experiences I'm having with men my sexual experiences. Ah the lessons that I'm learning from being someone who's single as I go through my divorce. The divorce is not final yet. Ah, but I have been dating aka fucking other people because really there is no dating right now I'm not I don't I I'm good I don't have the mental or emotional capacity for a relationship. Although. I am now and I'll talk about this on the the down and dirty podcast which I'm going to record right? after this one I don't have the capacity for an actual you know relationship. But I am complete with just fucking people just to. Just to just to fuck that is I'm complete with that. So. There's like this in-between place where I am looking for someone at the moment who can be a partner with me in my in my sexual reawakening. So It's not just about the physical piece I'm not looking for a long-term thing I'm looking for someone that I can if you all know the terms right in the dating world. It's an fwb So a friends with benefits someone that I actually like.

03:05.75
kristenlena
Someone that I respect someone that I feel safe with that I trust that we are friends first and we have a sexual relationship as well. F wb friends with benefits not looking for an and nsa for those of you who know you know for those of you who don't and nsa is no strings attached. That's like a. 1 and done fucking leave fucking run whatever um, that was me back in May June June not me right now six months later holy shitballs it's been six months so I'm gonna talk about I'm gonna catch up because that podcast over there the down and dirty is actually a paid subscription to paid podcast. So it's me revealing all the stuff that I'm experiencing my sex life and not everybody gets to hear that shit if you really want to hear it you pay up four ninety nine a month so so and I do some weeding over there as well. Um, the other thing so the thing that I wanted to talk about is where Ben and what I've been what I've been doing I'm just gonna should have done this. Do not disturb on the phone. Um, so for those of you who know you know I've been in a conscious uncoupling from my husband my relationship of 19 years with my husband the father of my children. Our divorce is all but final. We went through a mediator we went through conscious uncoupling.

04:42.78
kristenlena
We've done the last sorry sometimes I try to like hide that shit. But um, it might happen because I did have lunch before I got on here so I may have some. Digestive things that are occurring I'll try to keep them up here and limit them from down here I'm I'm right right? as I say that oh my god you gotta be kidding me that I'm not gonna subject you to that shit. So we're not fully officially divorced yet. The paperwork has not been submitted but we're. We're right there at that that point and it is November Twenty Eighth Twenty Twenty two and we just we just got off of our full week for Thanksgiving. So my kids now have a full week off at Thanksgiving not just the Thursday friday. They were off for an entire week and it just so happened that I me moving out of my now husband's home and into my own home happened last week and my first night in my home was Sunday the twentieth. So November so eight days ago and I just want to say so the title of this podcast is when life gets hard or tough or whatever when life gets hard do this and I like to teach I'd like to teach my lessons through story.

06:15.63
kristenlena
And just seems like it seems like the was first of all, it's the most fun way to do it and second of all hopefully you can see something for yourself. Perhaps you can relate um through story story is apparently one of my one of my like secret weapons i. Fucking know all I know is I open my mouth and shit comes out sometimes that shit is good for those of you watching on Youtube I would like you to know that I am in my motherfucking closet so pause on what I was gonna say. And ah hope to god I remember where what I was going to say and where was where I was but I am I'm just gonna give you I'm actually goingnna do this right? So for those of you watching on Youtube and you can see me this looks like my normal background right? It's my beautiful tapestry. Okay, this is my beautiful lotus whatever flower it is I get so many compliments on it. It's my signature background. But want to show you where I actually am and why so I moved into this beautiful new house and it's actually bigger than the old house and it has an office like that was a big thing for me I didn't have an office I was it was a 3 bedroom house so I had one I had my office in 1 of the bedrooms. But then. You know I decided to give my youngest daughter who's 11 her own room. This is probably a year ago six months a year ago and so I moved everything into my bedroom which was huge. My that bedroom was the master bedroom was huge and I had to have to put what the fuck here. It comes.

07:46.58
kristenlena
Had to put my backdrop up otherwise you would see my bed behind me so I'm in my new house and it's gorgeous I have this beautiful. It's beautiful. It's tiled floor throughout except for the bedrooms and my office is gorgeous. It's like double doors. And I've brought this beautiful kind of bougie lamp and I was like oh I'm feeling that vibe. Oo oo girl that is a vibe and I'm feeling it and it was it was awesome. I'm I'm curating an experience I'm curating in this new home I am committed. To feel amazing in this home because one of the things I struggled with and this is part of what I'm going to talk about today on today's episode 1 of the most massive things I struggled with was leaving my home. You know? Yes I'm going to miss my kids but I I i. Conceived my kids in that home I picked out all the paint colors it decorated it. We put blood sweat and tears into that home when we first moved in we just put fake grass in like it was my home for 16 years and that was the most devastating and the reason why. Because that's where my memories were made my memories of conceiving my child my children and laboring in that home and bringing them home and marking on the wall their growth. You know as they grew up.

09:15.85
kristenlena
Those are those things that like even as I talk about it. It's still like I can feel the attachment still right? So the attachment to the home was really massive letting go for me and it was one of the it was probably the thing that I grieved the most I've been grieving since July. Honestly kind of slowly extricating myself from the home emotionally and when I found this place. It needed work and I'm renting I did not buy a home not in this fucking market. We live in Arizona and I know um so I'm renting.

09:54.53
kristenlena
But I wanted it to be beautiful I wanted it to be mine and I wanted it to feel unbelievable when I'm in it and maybe one day I'll like give you all a tour because it's just beautiful but I was teaching um in my firetarter program. My business mastermind and. My girls know me and they're like why is it so echoey in there and I'm like dammit. So it's wood. You know it's tile floors and I'm like I can't record a podcast episode in this room until until I don't even know if I can because it's big it's a big room it's open and even if I put a rug down I'm concerned about the sound. And I want the sound to be great for my podcast. So I my most favorite things about this home. It was It's so random. It's so fucking random because the entire home is kind of like in a kind of brown. Um, if you don't know Arizona and you know the kind of um. Ah, way that they build homes here. It's um, it's like tan like everything's tan here and I'm like fuck that tan shit like all the light fixtures are like some iteration of Tan or brown and my vibe is like this this combination of. gray and tan which is called graye beige and beige and gray is graye so like a warm gray like a gray that's kind of grounding and and and warm and so I painted the entire house I had the entire house painted and it's beautiful and I love it and I feel I feel like home here.

11:30.00
kristenlena
And I was that was what I was the most concerned with not only me feeling like I'm home. But my kids feeling like here you go there see. That's what actually happens I went off mike just a tiny little bit I'm gonna leave this in the episode I'm not gonna fucking edit this shit out. Because when I talk you know I get and I didn't even have I even have like a sparkling water that usually just gets me all the time. So normally what I do is I either press pausew and I burp or I try to like pretend like I'm not burping but listen I'm so fucking tired of. whatever acting like I'm whatever I don't act like I'm perfect but like a burp I'm a human being and I'm very honestly, very very gassy. This is unsweetened chi tea with a little bit of constant common in here. It's so cold here in Arizona. 60 I know all of you midwesterner are like fuck you Kristen. So I I start looking through the house and I go into the master bedroom and there is a motherfucking bougie chandelier in here on a dimmer on a dimmer. No less. Like what the fuck's happening up in this walking closet that they need a bougie chandelier with a dimmer I don't know I don't know I might be exploring some of that in the down and dirty I don't know it could I mean it could happen in here. So I going I want to show you.

13:04.75
kristenlena
To show you what? what? I'm talking about I'm just gonna I'm just gonna move it I'm just gonna move everything so you can see it So It's not part of the plan but you know what I always go off script I'm just gonna tilt this back so you can see there's the top of my there's the top of my closet and look. Ah, that look it I'm sorry but that is gorgeous I'm like a dimmer freak every single one of almost every one of my lights in my previous home was on a dimmer because I love it. Love lighting I Love Bright Light I Love Dim light depending on my mood depending on what time of day It is so I'm gonna go around. Um put Motherfu Dimmer's in here because I love I am fanatical about my space fucking fanatical and here's why.

14:01.91
kristenlena
Here's what I know about that space or space has energies energetic there's and there's a there's a vibration to it. There's like a there's a sensation or a feeling like what does it evoke in me, my space can evoke. Sense of calm and peace. It can ah evoke excitement. It can evoke a sense of like abundance or wealth and for the last couple years and I'm speaking for myself but I can pretty much guarantee. My soon to be x feels the same way being in each other's energy being in each other's space was the hardest so we lived together for almost while we announced it we we I'm go just try and keep it like low key. We lived together for almost six months after July August four or five months I just moved out November twentieth and when you're with someone who you're separating from or you're uncoupling from. You're ending you. It's hard. It's hard to be in the same space and it has nothing to do with him. It has nothing to do with you know? So so I was really committed that this space feel amazing.

15:33.62
kristenlena
And I'm in my closet because there's this plush as carpet in here I'm going to assume listen back obviously. But I'm going to assume that the the fucking acoustics are dope in here like I can hear myself and I know that there's no reverb I know that there's no. Ah, sound bouncing off the walls. My clothes are in here god like come a beautiful blood job I don't know hiding know my unmentionables. There's no no one mentionals nothing back there and then my bougie my bojia chandelier this is like a perfect place to do podcasts I'm standing. It's awesome. So I'm gonna I'm gonna hook it up and I'm gonna I'm gonna record my podcast in my closet in my bougie plush carpet closet. Okay, that was just a little backstory. So I think what I was talking about was that I was grieving for quite some time leaving my home my home of 16 years. And so I've been kind of slowly pulling myself away from it and making this home really magical and really beautiful has been my top priority now I have I basically am furnishing an entire house. And for those of you who for those of you who are divorced and you've been the one to leave or you know someone who's left. Um, why is my phone. Um, it's just I'm on d and d bro what it oh it didn't hit didn't okay.

17:08.31
kristenlena
Do not disturb I'm looking hear my phone buzzing my apologies people. So Ah so I house my space according my podcast in the bougie. Yeah I might have to cut this part out fuck. Um, so. Here I am on I am I'm not even on the other side I'm not on the other side Yet. We're not Complete. We've been doing the things that you know like we met over the weekend and we discussed the parenting plan. And we're going through mediation. Not not Lawyers. We've always been committed to just working this out. Um amicably from a place of love and from you know, wanting the best for each for each other but really for our kids.

18:02.90
kristenlena
Because let me just fucking tell you all those of you who are who are pissed off at your partner who are hurt and angry and pissed off at your partner that's going to It's going to impact them your children the most. I mean point blank hands down. It's gonna hurt your kids the most to be pissed off as you go through this process and I'm thinking about a very dear friend of mine who is just in hell right now going through divorce and it's nasty and it's ugly and according to him. Always know that there's 3 sides to any story and then there's the actual truth. Whatever you know how I feel about the truth. So his version is that you know he he's really feeling. He's really feeling all of his all of his feelings and he's feeling really shitty about Whatever's ex is doing and what she's she's gonna get half his pension and she you know he's very limited time to see his daughter and I'm like god it's just grow the fuck up people like not about you deal with your pain. This is not your children's problem. In fact, you're responsible for your children to not be ah, be as impacted as as little as possible through this process so they're going to feel what they feel I go talk about.

19:35.91
kristenlena
And instance I have with my youngest here in a second because it was who still with me. It's still with me and it's it's hard. They're gonna feel they're gonna have their own experience of their parents. No longer being together and it's going to be devastating my husband. And I are extremely cordial It I mean like hey how you doing you know what's up. No, there's no, we had a couple sticky points a couple sticky things around money and it got tense and it got. I got scared and then I said some shit and then he got scared and then you know there was conversations about lawyers and and I was like I'm not hiring a lawyer and then he whatever it all happened because we got scared but we came back to reality. Because at the end of the day. It's not fucking about us. It's not fucking about us. It's about our kids they're gonna be. They're gonna be scarred no matter what but allow like I want to take responsibility I am taking responsibility as is he for the damage to them to not have anything to do. With what's occurring between he and I they're gonna have it because they're seeing their parents split up and that's devastating period That's devastating end of discussion. They get to deal with that be held supported loved nurtured they get they get to be be supported through that whole thing.

21:06.27
kristenlena
Our shit with each other that's not required they they shouldn't have to deal with that shit came up off my soapbox for at least to release a couple minutes. So I've had multiple experiences. Being in my old home by myself I don't know if I've shared this or not um I've shared it in a couple different places. Not sure if I've shared it on the podcast where I've just um, wailed I have been on the ground I have been like the. The neighbors heard me screaming and crying and feeling the depths of my grief on my closet floor on my living room floor in my daughter's bedrooms like if the if the neighbors heard they would have thought someone was getting murdered. But here's what I know about that shit a you allll know I'm a fucking quadruple Scorpio. So I'm gonna go into the depths of my emotions I want to say easier I want to say easier but knowing full well that I'm gonna go into the depths and something beautiful is gonna come out of it. It's a gift. And right now it's 22 22 right when I looked up. It's a gift if we can find the gift through the um through the heartbreak through the emotional devastating heartache heartbreak grief.

22:38.19
kristenlena
We have to go through it. You guys like I believe one of the biggest epidemics that I see occurring out in the world is emotional deferment. It's emotional bypassing. It's ooh this sucks I don't want to feel this okay I'm gonna go fuck somebody eat binge watch Netflix do cocaine smoke a bowl have some drinks ah go play video games. Scroll through social media. We. All do it not judging it come I I'm done it I do it I have my glass of wine trust me bitches this is not from the fucking high horse over here. But as a so as a whole our society. We are numbed the fuck out now when you when you wake up to how numbed out we are it will fucking rock your world if you haven't actually done any work to dive into the the muck of your fucking heartache if you haven't. Like been able to be held through that by someone else by whatever a coach a therapist a a shaman a a priest if you haven't been able to go through this process of feeling fucking heartache.

24:09.76
kristenlena
And you just keep it's one eleven here and you just keep bypassing it and shoving it into corners. This is the fucking legitimate shit that I teach the fucking core of what I teach is radical authenticity. feeling what you're feeling when you're feeling it what feeling what you're feeling when you're feeling it now maybe it's not convenient for you to have a fucking meltdown at the seven eleven or in your cubicle at your job. Maybe that's not the time. But you better fucking make time for those emotions that well up you better make time for them at some point. What? what the epidemic that I'm talking about that I'm seeing in the world is emotional bypassing bypassing. Emotional deferment like student loans defer your loans don to pay him off defer them. Oh bla bla times are tough de firm I'm gonna um, defer these emotions because there are too fucking much I know so I have someone in my life who is dealing with.

25:25.96
kristenlena
The most untenable situation that I think anyone could be dealing with and he hasn't created mechanisms legitimate. Mechanisms for coping with pain. So This is why we see Alcoholism This is why we see drug addiction. This is why we see you know unbelievable use of pornography. This is why we see all the things that we see in the world. When you can be with devastation and no one wants to be with it. No one wants to be with heartbreak. No one wants to be with the losses that happen throughout life. When you can be with them and hold a space for them and hold a space for yourself or have someone else hold a space for you to break the fuck down when you can do that over and over and over and over again in the reason why you would do that over and over and over and over again. Because guess what life's going to be fucking hard Life's going to be really fucking hard and if you can get really good at knowing how to navigate through the hard parts and stand like.

26:56.40
kristenlena
Fall apart and stand firm and you know I'll just say this I had a friend don't even know what was happening I don't know what was happening at that I've been going through lots and lots but this is where I've been the last month the last month is going through the. The ups and the downs and the the turns and the twists and all of the things that I've been experiencing and feeling and processing and working through as I move out as I get this new place ready as I take my children and say here's here's my home. As I deal with what it comes up with them as I deal with what comes up in me. It's a lot fuck fuck. It's a lot and there is a day I remember when it was. I remember when it was I amidst all of the finding a place getting all the money for the place and the credit report I mean like doing the finding the I mean you know we're talking driving around and looking at places and applying and um. Yeah I'm an entrepreneur and my income goes like this and I've had some shitty stuff happen in the last two years out of covid and my credit is fucked and my husband has been financially supporting me for a good number of years while I build my business.

28:27.15
kristenlena
On paper I'm a mess on paper I I I don't look good. How I got this place I think was a was a fucking miracle I really think it was a miracle as I'm going through all of this stuff and this is about the time when things were getting heated. With my husband because I was scared about money and then he got scared about money and then we kind of started to like have some some shit between us and it was uncomfortable. This was at the beginning of November and since about July I have been planning. Me and my sister's daughter. So my niece have been planning a fiftieth surprise birthday party for my sister and all of this stuff was happening at the same time and it was it went off awesome. It was great. It happened I was exhausted emotionally physically spiritually just it just exhausted but this we know we did this great party for her and we surprised her friends who came in from California and she's sobbing and she was so happy and we there for a weekend that following week. I was in bed for two days I was in bed for two days because it had all culminated. It was all kind of coming to a head and occurring all at the same time right before that like November the very beginning of November first and of October beginning of november.

30:01.82
kristenlena
Right around the last recording of the sacred is buck podcast the last episode so I fell apart and at first I thought I was getting sick. There's a couple of people at the party the surprise party who got sick and I was like oh maybe I'm getting something. Was exhausted and I I couldn't could barely get out of bed. So I decided to not get out of bed I decided to stay in bed and then I decided to get curious about what was actually occurring and I and I and I asked myself. Is this really physical and then the the emotions washed over me and I sobbed in my bed off and on for two days like I could you know just I I could get out of bed it just I just chose not to. I knew what was happening was another wave of grief and I know I'm not done because I'm still alive and I'm still a fucking human being and I will have grief and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life as long as I breathe and a friend of mine. I've been in bed for a day or or so and a friend of mine who I love dearly I'll just say I'll just out him here because he's just he's very spiritually connected and he will he will reach out to me in times when he.

31:35.37
kristenlena
He's like I was thinking of you and I was like really well, really, really good fucking timing because it's always at ah at a time when either something's going on or I've been thinking about him or I need support and so he said he sent me a message and I posted this on social Media. He sent me a message and he said I Love you like a fat kid love cake and I was in bed and I said and I just texted back. How do you always know? he said I got you babe and um I said do you have so. Do you have the space. Do you have is it. Can you hold space for me to break down is what I said I sent him a message. Can you hold the space for me to break down and what was fascinating to me was that I needed a mail to hold this space. Could have called on any of my female friends. Theyre at the drop of a hat they will fuck in they will support me I have a fucking phenomenal phenomenal soul family and he happened to text me that message I Love you like a fat kid love cake and I knew I knew that. I Could I knew that he could hold the space and he could hold the space as a man because that's what I needed I was feeling very you know living alone I There's no one here to fix shit. There's no one here to make me feel sick like make me feel safe.

33:07.72
kristenlena
And I needed to break down and I needed to be held I needed the space to be held by a man and Bam he was right there this is the this is the universe saying I got you when we are on our knees. We are the most fucking supported. The most fucking supported if we can just see it that way 3 3 3 3 so he is like give me a minute I'm at the gym I'm gonna run outside he lives in I don't fucking know where he is anybody's traveling the world Columbia. He's gonna kill me Monty I fucking love you and I heard his voice and I just started sobbing started sobbing and that's exactly what I needed to do I needed that experience with a man to be to be to feel held and safe. And listened to and supported and gotten and loved. He didn't have to say a fucking word I just sat on the phone and I sobbed for probably a good two and a half three and a half minutes and at 1 point he said you're not alone.

34:24.99
kristenlena
You're not alone and I'm not and neither are you you are never alone. You're never alone so I have been in those kinds of spaces. I have been in the space of elation that I can decorate an entire house exactly as I want it that I can put things where I want that I can have the lights on the way that I want that I can and my husband is the same and I've been back to his house and he has the music on all day. That's his thing. A Tv on or whatever like he's just he's just that's his thing and he couldn't do that with me and I couldn't have quiet I love quiet I love light I love sound I love but sorry, sorry, not sorry, sorry that I'm not editing it out. Let me just put it that way. Like just not going to do it. So I have been heartbroken and grief-stricken and awe inspired and lit the fuck up and free as a bird and scared out of my mind.

35:46.41
kristenlena
And sad beyond belief and unbelievably excited for what's ahead. That's where I've been and just doing a whole bunch of fucking shit a whole bunch of shit to get my home ready. And last week was like I said my first last week was my first week in my home and my daughter. My youngest daughter stayed with me the whole week and my oldest was over with her dad for most of the week and this is the first week that we start. Alternating visitation. Whatever like it's my week this week but we're gonna do it in segments so that they are getting to adjust to being away from me and then being away from him and then being away from me and I'll just share one last thing that um, I'm I may cry. I don't want to cry in the sacred as fuck podcast but I may um so I want to say it was. It's Monday night I want to say it was Saturday night. We. You know my youngest is 11 my oldest is 14 and um I was 9 when my parents got divorced. So you know my youngest is very she's she's my heart on on legs. She's emotional and we we we relate on that level I'm like girl I feel you girll I feel you she's my deep deep deep emotional.

37:22.70
kristenlena
You know being and we check in with them I check in a lot I don't try I try not to beat it up too much but I know it was a big transition I kept asking her. You sure you don't want to go over to your dad's no I want to be here but I know. So because she had told me she's like but I I feel I was like you don't need to feel bad about daddy you don't need to feel bad about me neither one of us because I already know she's like I feel like I have to pick and if I pick one the other one's gonna be sad like this is the fucking thing here. It is. Here's that first. Not first here's that heartbreak here's that next up heartbreak of now I feel like if I'm with you. He's gonna be sad and if I'm with him you're gonna be sad so all week. You know we've been getting the house right? I mean. Buying shit and getting her room ready and getting my other daughter's room ready and getting the whole house I mean like we're talking putting furniture together. My garage is filled with boxes filled with boxes of furniture and just all of the things appliances I mean everything and so. Checking in and you know she's she is almost. She is already she is. She's a manifestor for those of you who know human design. She's a manifester so she needs her own. She also a gemini so she needs her own space. She needs her alone time. She definitely needs some like she needs to um.

38:57.28
kristenlena
Can't think of the word right now. But it's like she needs to decompress she needs to have her space away from people and and I give her that and and then I'm also checking in making sure that she's okay so checking in all week how are you are you? Okay, you sure you don't want to go to Daddy's yes I want to be with you. Okay. So I'm like are you you know? I'll ask her periodically are you sad? No so I go okay, well if you do you get sad and you just let me know. Okay, it's okay, if you're sad and um I don't even know what I was doing we I don't have my couch yet i' order it. It's gonna be a couple more weeks so I have a big old air mattress in my family room living room and in front of the Tv and um so the air mattress and sorry guys excuse me, let me just say let me put it this way excuse me. Okay.

39:52.84
kristenlena
We getting the real shit this this episode but you know what this is where I'm at so so fucking where I'm at so she walks in to the family room and I look at her and she lies down and I said what's up. And she burst into tears and ah she said I'm gonna cry.

40:29.39
kristenlena
Yeah, she said I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up the minute she said it I just knew I was like oh my God I So know that feeling. I Mean yeah, it wasn't empathy I mean of course it's empathy, but it was memory I just remembered what that felt like To. Miss my parent So was my dad because my mom moved us but I just remembered ah when I just sat there and I just cried with her.

41:22.56
kristenlena
I just cried with her because I get it I so get it I felt it I was like oh my god if I can remember I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. Yeah that's pretty much how it feels and we just sobbed. And I held her and she held me and I said I feel you hunt you let it out I'm sad too and she did. And so did I and we sat there. We cried for a good 5 minutes ah and this is the 1 thing this is the 1 thing that that I get to work on as well part of.

42:16.90
kristenlena
Part of emotional bypassing especially as a parent is we don't get to rush them through to feeling better I'm telling myself this we get to hold we get to hold a powerful space for them to break down. Because the minute that we want to rush their process. They will start to shut it down the minute that we want to make them feel better because we feel bad that they feel bad because we feel responsible for their pain which we may be and that's for. Us to sit through the minute that we start to say it's okay or um, it'll all work out these these are emotional. This is emotional gaslighting. We don't do it because we're mean people.

43:13.49
kristenlena
We do it because we don't want to see people. We Love feel bad and we don't want to feel the guilt that our actions may have imparted or inflicted on the people that we love So I Just sat there with her and I cried with her. Because I was just as sad as she was and there have been many moments during this process where.

43:44.96
kristenlena
I'm wet because it's sad.

43:55.68
kristenlena
It's sad when a family goes through this and I'm committed to I can walking my talk I don't.

44:13.61
kristenlena
When I'm in deep shit deep emotional shit meaning feeling all the things that I'm feeling and really grief stricken and really heartbroken I'm going to honor that process. that I that I that's occurring for me and I'm not going to go record a podcast episode I'm not going to go on social media I'm not going to pretend pretending is poison pretending that everything is fine when it's not. Poisons us allowing ourselves to grieve and to be in whatever emotion, we are currently experiencing as a gift. It's a gift. We give ourselves and the people that we love. So ah, thank you for witnessing me for those of you on Youtube thank you for witnessing me. Ah, so we sobbed together and I sobbed for the pain that I felt. At 9 and I can relate to her on every level and I sobbed for the ending of our family in this iteration because that is sad. It is sad that it didn't work out. It is sad that we couldn't.

45:47.64
kristenlena
That we chose to go separate paths that we chose this path.

45:56.40
kristenlena
It's sad that our kids now have to have mommy's house and Daddy's house it's sad so I feel sadness and I want to be. And teach and show and be an example of what it looks like to allow yourself to fall apart which really falling apart is just you're feeling your fucking feelings. You're feeling your fucking feelings so that's where I've been and you all got to see like you know my wave I thought maybe this would happen because I knew I wanted to share this story about my daughter how it ended. Is I was sad too. You know? and so I said what if we go to what if we walk to Daddy's I'm a 10 minute walk from his house. It's 2 it's a 2 minute drive at most and I said what if we just go walk to Daddy's and we just are all 4 of us together. You know she's like yeah I would like that so I texted and I just said hey coming over and transitions endings are hard endings are hard endings make way for beginnings.

47:28.30
kristenlena
They're inevitable the more we can get like the more we can wrap our minds and hearts and spirit around endings and having them be like a normal part of life.

47:48.47
kristenlena
When life gets hard. Do this feel your feelings feel your feelings all of them. They are all valid. They're all valid now I did just press pause. Because I had to blow my nose that I was going to draw the line on that I'll burp with you guys. But I'm not gonna like go blow my Nose. You're welcome feel your feelings give yourself the space to fall Fall Apart. My friend who's going through this devastating divorce. And anyone who's going through an ending or some sort of heartbreak or grief allow it allow it and I can tell you that. Your ability to sit in discomfort and get through it will radically change your fucking life if you keep deferring heartache or pain or sadness or anger or frustration or. Anything if you keep deferring feeling the thing it will come to such a head that it will be devastating way more devastating. It's like in a it's like a volcano you know volcanoes have those little like they like let the steam out they're like Oo Oo little little.

49:23.59
kristenlena
And then there's the big one. There's the massive buildup of this pressure and sometimes it can destroy us So I say let the fucking steam out on a regular basis. Okay. I Hope this was.

49:48.50
kristenlena
Um, beneficial to you listening or watching that you understand where I've been and that you know I Really really I am a student of emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence I'm like what does that mean. You know what for me it means honoring the entire emotional wave that a human being can possess because when we don't do that. That's when shit breaks down. That's when the brush the buildup of this pressure. Called our emotions when we shove it down. It comes out another way. It's gonna come out in a different Way. You will see it manifest in your light. It will either be physical illness or it will be usually thought a lot of times. It's physical. It'll manifest physically. Or it'll be an emotional breakdown or it'll be I lost all my money or it'll be I you know went fucking postal on on somebody or it will be. You know whatever fill in the blank. It will come out face the shadows people. Face to shadows Only love only love can light the shadow like only love and only light can take the shadow away but you have to go into the shadow to light it Up. Don't know if that makes sense. But.

51:23.39
kristenlena
I wasn't expecting this episode to be so long but I should have known because it's been a motherfuck month. It's been a month in time but it's been a mother fucking month I packed in a lifetime this month I moved I moved some massive shit I'm not done yet. FY I y'all can see and here I ain't done yet because I'm in it because I'm in it I love you? Um, you know it's when I record these episodes I really do feel like. Like I I imagine people listening I imagine some sort of an audience I imagine that I'm that I'm teaching that I'm you know speaking at you know in ah at a podium I'm speaking to people so just know that you're with me when I record these episodes. Oh. Wow that was amazing. That was amazing. So you're with me when I record these episodes. Thank you so much for listening if this episode if this you know impacted you in some way. Please let me know please like let message me on Instagram do all the things. Um, it will really it would really make a difference for me. Okay, thank you Thank you? It will not probably not be this long between my next episode but it might we're going into the holidays I'm going to have some some some downtime but.

52:58.46
kristenlena
Ah, love you. Thank you? Thank you? Thank you? Thank you? Ah I'll see you next time bye.