S2:E2 I want MORE!

In this episode, I describe what I see a LOT of women do in their lives - settle for "enough."

When we become wives or moms or entrepreneurs or even reach a certain age, so many of us give up on our desires.

We believe it's now selfish or inappropriate or wrong for us to desire MORE from life... more sex, more fun, more freedom, more adventure, more money, more EVERYTHING.

So we settle for what we have and tell ourselves to be happy and grateful for it all.

I believe that's some NEXT-LEVEL BULLSHIT!

Listen in as I share my teachings on why you MUST get back in touch with your DEEPEST DESIRES and actualize them.  We get to break this cycle of mediocrity for our daughters behind us.

To watch this episode on YouTube, go here: 
https://youtu.be/DzX0NgwhPfY

Transcript

00:00.00
kristenlena
Hello hello welcome to the secret as fuck podcast I'm your host Kristen motherfucking Lena and I want to talk about wanting desire. So. You know if you follow me on Instagram over the last um, four months you'll have seen my posts get sexual and racy. Obviously this was because I was. Starting to date people other than my husband with his full permission had a conversation as we were going through the conscious uncoupling process and said hey listen I really want to to see other people I want to date he was like. Fine I yeah basically was like I kind of thought you already were so I've been on the dating apps since end of may it's now the end of September and I talk about all all my. Trials tribulations sexcapades over on my dirt down and dirty podcast that is a membership subscription podcast because I give lots of raw and real details about what the fuck I'm actually doing and I don't just do that to.

01:35.42
kristenlena
Self-indulgent but there's a point to it I I want to share what I'm learning from this process about myself about other people about my relationship with men. It's very fascinating to me fascinating. So that's why I have that other segment of my podcast. But you know as ah as we were going through this process. My husband and I we were telling people in phases and are great at my greatest concern I'm sure it was his as well was that our children were going to find out before we were ready to tell them. Was the like I you know we we were hiding a lot of stuff because we were going through this this process and it was it took us a long time. It took us we there was like 6 or 7 sessions we did with our coach and that dragged out for a good four or five months and we wrote a letter to family and friends I did sent an email to do the first note that was the second chunk of informing the first chunk of informing wasn't was sitting our kids down and telling them that may be a separate podcast that was an awful experience. I don't wish that on. My worst enemy and had to be done. It's part of the process then we wrote a letter we agreed on a ah written communication to go out via email to our you know, extended family and friends.

03:12.18
kristenlena
And then I posted on social media once I posted on social media for me. The doors were open and now my perspective on it was I can give 2 shits about what people think about what I'm doing I gave 2 shits before because. You know we hadn't announced anything. What would I have looked like a fucking whore right? What happened? what? Why is your wife being all slutty in shit and so I am using this. Part of my life right now there are aspects of my sexuality I've talked about this before my aspects of my sexuality that I can see are tied to my personal power my ability to Manifest and. Hold on to and allow to flow through me money and abundance and I am exceptionally fascinated by and committed to healing this part of my life. My sexuality my relationship with men my relationship with masculine. Me giving up my own masculinity not like giving it up but right because we're all both sides but me getting into right relationship with my masculinity. That's a process. It's a process that I'm currently in and so I've been diving into my femininity.

04:44.48
kristenlena
And to me that has always been really has has always felt really unsafe and I remember the first I remember the first time I started to kind of feel afraid of my femininity. And it was when I kind of was going through puberty and older men were saying things like you're beautiful and you you know you're gorgeous and I was like I don't like that that does not feel good gross you. Creepy and I'm sitting here and I'm about to write a note um because I got I sometimes my stories take my stories take turns because they're because the way that I see. What I'm going through I connect these dots I connect these dots I'm like holy shit that is why that and then that and then that over here in then this fucking thing over in left field. So sometimes I'm like what the fuck is what are that was I actually talking about so Ah so funny I cannot talk and write at the same time. So I'm just giving myself notes my social media not giving a fuck. Okay, perfect telling our kids I'm like what was I even trying to say.

06:17.30
kristenlena
What happened when I started to get that attention from from men was I just shut that shit down like I did not want to get that kind of attention from those kinds of people so I became. It was I was I was very afraid to be sexual in any way because I believed this from my ladies out there. Can you relate to this that if I were too sexual too. Feminine I was going to. Something bad was going to happen. Someone was going to like I Honestly it was like you're going to get raped. You're asking for It. You're calling it in so you know again as I'm connecting these dots about my history and my childhood and these events that happen and what. But like the building blocks to have me decide I need to be masculine and I can't be Feminine. It's unsafe for me to be feminine. It's definitely unsafe for me to be too sexual I'm asking for it. So. That's what I did and only the way that I'm designed in my human design is I'm a one 3 and for those of you who know you know for those of you don't don't worry about it What it means is.

07:47.32
kristenlena
I'm designed to make a lot of fucking mistakes in my life and then I'm designed to teach other people hey let me just tell you about this really awful mistake I made and what I would have done differently and that's what I actually get to share. I Get to share my mistakes and my fuckups so part I mean part of me getting back on my podcast is this is the perfect platform for me to do that. It feels I have the most control I can say whatever the fuck I want I don't have to worry about. Being flagged or tagged or whatever the fuck social media platforms do to you if you don't follow their rules and yeah, so I'm picking my podcast back up because I want to share the mistakes that I made. And share them from this perspective of oh shit that didn't work like it doesn't work in a heterosexual relationship with a man to be more masculine than him. I am finding that doesn't work. It doesn't work on many levels. It doesn't work because I don't actually want to be masculine I feel like I have to be masculine to protect myself that doesn't work I Want to feel safe.

09:19.80
kristenlena
Within myself, safe enough to say I Trust you lead me I respect you I mean I'm saying these things and I'm like fuck that would be fucking amazing. That would be so amazing. That is what I desire. That is what I desire and so the title of this podcast is I want more and I want to talk about women and desire and what I'm who what? I'm learning. I'm always learning some of this is New. Some of this is I teach I I teach a module in my my course radical authenticity called oh shit What? what module is that in. Fuck It doesn't matter. But I teach this this principle of getting really clear on what your desires are so it's like we go through this process where you list out everything that you want all the things that you desire and then you actually create another list. Of everything that you require require was a term that I heard another female so like entrepreneur use and I was like fuck that's powerful. That's a that's a boundary.

10:54.20
kristenlena
That's like a self- love bubble like I require x. It's nonnegotiable I don't compromise on it. it's it's like I require oxygen I require water I require um food I also require sex I said that. Right? when I looked up the times at 1111 now the title of this oh you look at me my dad is screaming right now in heaven and here's what he's saying if you're not watching me on Youtube I'm twirling my hair I got my hair done. Um, my sides shaved yesterday and my hair is like this beautiful bright um blonde in the front I love it. It's like these 2 streaks 2 2 big chunks in the front of really really light blonde and I love it and I started twirling my hair and I didn't even notice that I was doing it. My dad. Don't trust trust me I'll I'll be able to get back on track where I was my dad used to hate it and he said I'm going to cut that damn piece of hair off and I was like that's all right I'll just find another one so I just felt him as I'm mindlessly twirling my hair thinking about what words are going to come next. Love you Daddy? Um, so I was teaching you know part of one of the modules is this this exercise called desire what is it that you want and require what is it that you actually require it said like it's it's I'm not bending on this.

12:30.58
kristenlena
And what I see and what occurred for me and this is nothing to listen I'm fully responsible for my fucking life. None of the shit that I share anywhere. Is the fault or blame of my partner my former soon to be former partner. My husband None of this is his fault I did so many unconscious fucked up things in our relationship because I. Thought I needed to be masculine I thought I needed to protect myself and I chose men that I could be masculine with so a requirement for me I'm highly physical a requirement for me is. Physical exercise exercise moving my body connecting with my body on a recent human design rating. She was like holy shit you you actually have to touch things like you're that physical I Like oh my God like when you you know you don't know human design. It's just. So fucking awesome because it just it it it answers it it confirms so many things about you things that you're just like well I really want this oh good because that's how you're designed like I'm designed to be physical.

14:01.80
kristenlena
I Will get back to the point. It's a requirement for me to be physical to requirement for me to be in a relationship that's that has is highly sexual I Have my love language is physical touch words of affirmation but like I'm like of like I need to. I Need to do it and what I noticed and I think this is just what happens over time in relationships is that for me if something isn't there. You know. Something isn't there the way that I want it? Um I will eventually give it up. That's what happened I Eventually just let that part of my life go and never cheated on my husband wasn't an option. I'm not that kind of a person but I just let that part of me go and as I am getting reconnected with that part of me and that part of me is becoming alive and on. The front burner for the sake of like you know, sexual release. But also as an expression as a deep self-expression of mine. My sexuality is a deep self-expression and.

15:37.82
kristenlena
What I What I see happen a lot with women is they put a lid on their desires. So Even when I do this exercise in radical Authenticity. You can I can sense and feel that there's a. Condition. There's a place I want this but I can't possibly want that Holy shit what would that make me if I wanted fill in the blank if I wanted um sex with another person.

16:14.22
kristenlena
What would that make me if I wanted more alone Time. What would that make me selfish self-centered greedy not a good mom if I wanted sex with another person. What would that make me a whore selfish. Self-centered not in love with my partner like there's all of these limits that happen when we talk about desire I can have this this is acceptable desire. But this. What would people say what would my husband say what would my family say what would my children think of me and I Assert I Assert here's what here's what I. No, when when I say when I say I know it's like this intuitive. It's it's this intuitive inner knowing it's kind of like a sacred wisdom like I know this like this is this is just the kind of a lifetimes thing. I'm going to get all spiritual on you I know that you know paradigms are are radically Shifting. Paradigms are shifting on the planet.

17:47.67
kristenlena
Paradigms like marriage paradigms like sex paradigms like how we work corporate America radically shifting paradigms like having children paradigms like fucking religion. Paradigms that like the paradigm of the age of pisces just like the last two thousand years were now in the age of Aquarius where there's more of ah, an equal playing field. There's an there's an equilibrium There's an even you know the the invention of the internet has. Leveled the fucking playing field secrets are no longer secrets. You know people can't hide shit. You know there was this there's in in the hierarchical structure of the picean age where the few people really. Had the power and controlled what information what wealth what knowledge what freedoms the rest of the you know the rest of the world had that shit's going away that shit is equalizing. We are becoming equalized. So that's a huge paradigm shift and when I say that like I have if you know me or if you followed me for any length of time I mean even on my Instagram it's like rural breaker system disruptor fucking paradigm shifter.

19:23.48
kristenlena
Like I just I've never you know I never I've never so succumbed. Oh that's a good word I've never succumbed to the rules of work I've never succumbed to you know. For me, it's a value thing like what's most important to me and my life is freedom freedom is more important to me than status wealth money now when I say freedom yes wealth and money creates freedom. But I've never been willing to sell myself my desires my voice I've never been willing to compromise my beliefs for my for a fucking paycheck I cannot kiss ass. I cannot abide by rules that make no fucking sense I cannot not say something when I see something I cannot not call forward hypocrisy and bullshit I cannot. Not say something about rules that favor 1 section of the population. Let's say men. Let's say white men. Let's say rich white men and degrade the rest.

20:57.20
kristenlena
I Just have this thing within me that that cannot compromise those values that I have those values have driven every decision that I've made decisions that were hard decisions that were like had me. Questioning myself like what the fuck's wrong with you and this notion of women desiring more to me is next level Power. It's next level fucking empowerment I Believe Hypothesis I Believe this is my theory that that that I don't know the root word of of chastity. But that. The condemnation of a woman's sexuality like you have to be married and you can't have you can't have sex before marriage and you can't you know, However, many partners you have like all of the Sexual. Um.

22:12.11
kristenlena
Restrictions and and and rules around women's sexuality I believe that was an I believe lots of paradigms are created to control us I just do I can see it I can smell it I can taste it. Our education system our religious systems. Our government systems all designed to control the masses if you can't see it open your eyes and just take a look just consider that it's consider that it's a possibility governments. Are you know, not saying bad I'm not saying bad or evil or wrong. Although. I think it's gotten there. I think it's gotten there power unchecked is what is what's a has been occurring on on the planet I told you guys I go on fucking tangents. So I believe that the. Christianization the condemnation, the morality conversations paradigms religious social around a woman's sexuality. Was because and again this is like my theory it had to be it had to be because men who were in power realized that when a woman is in her sexual when a woman is sexually expressed.

23:46.40
kristenlena
And liberated and freed up. She is like a weapon of mass destruction that is how I am feeling I am feeling like a weapon of mass fucking destruction now I don't want to destroy good. I want to use my sexual power to create magic to create healing to catalyze more women to open them up to like like I look out. I look out into the landscape because this is now my my focus my focus is where do I see over masculinized women high recovering over masculinized woman right here I'm not pointing fingers at anyone else but I can see. How it's impacted relationships and the workforce and our fucking health our health our a woman's health when I'm trying to beat when I'm in my masculine only and that's where I've been for so long. Last two the last um nearly three years has been me diving into this softness and vulnerability and this this last you know this last piece of it that I'm I'm diving into so fucking deep is my sexuality.

25:16.56
kristenlena
Talk about femininity sexualities like all of it. So The title is this podcast is I want more and I want to begin a conversation around women. Desiring and having what they fucking want like what do I want more of I Want more fucking mind-blowing sex I Want deeper connected intimate relationships I Want Adventure I Want freedom I want wealth I want like I don't want wealth for the sake of wealth. I Want the wealth that comes from being someone who stands for other people and makes a difference for other people and that is my legacy and then the money is a byproduct. The money is like. She's a you know like like it's not because I'm I've never I've never been driven by money I've been driven by purpose and meaning and making a difference across the board. Sometimes that means that I've been broke a lot I've been broke a lot. And I can see how being over masculinized this is what I was going to say earlier when I look out into the landscape. You know the the feminist movement of the whatever sixty s the burning Our Bras gave women all of these equal rights.

26:50.20
kristenlena
Right? We now can vote like men. We now can work in corporate America. Well what we did to play in that playground is we didn't bring our femininity. We went oh fuck I got to be like a dude I got to be hard and strong and tough. I got to protect myself I've got to act like these guys. This is the this is the bullpen and so we overly masculinized ourselves and now we're seeing the impacts of that I am seeing the impact of that at 52 years old almost my birthday is in less than a month. And I'm like fuck so there's like all these I chose to be like my dad I had fear of the masculine. So I became masculine I had fear of the feminine. So I shove that aside the I can do it a man can do like all of it. Was a building block for this this persona that I've had for so fucking long that has crushed and destroyed my relationships. This is why I'm diving into this I want to be feminine I want. A beautiful strong alpha protective man that is healthy and creates a space for safety within me that is my deepest desire and I will have it because that's what I'm ah like i.

28:24.48
kristenlena
I am clear that when I want something I am committed to creating it committed out of my fucking Mind. So I Want to ask you? What is it that you desire. And could you and are you limiting what? that? What? what your answer is because maybe because you're married you have a husband maybe because you have children maybe because you have grandchildren maybe because you're at a certain age so you can't want those things Anymore. We're not. Here to live a mediocre life. We have been sold a mediocre life is good enough I don't stand for mediocrity I don't stand to say you know what? this is good enough. Good enough is fucking bullshit. Good enough is fucking criminal good enough kills our alacrity good enough kills our creativity. It kills our life force Essence if I ever get to a place where I am I may I may be in seasons of life where I'm like all right. You know I've done the things I did that I did that I did that I did that I'm just going to Coast I don't know if I'll ever be that kind of a person I don't know I'm not saying never I've learned to never say never that that I know but I want to ask you? what.

29:59.61
kristenlena
Would you desire if you didn't worry about what it might mean about you would you desire more money. Would you desire more sex. Would you desire a thinner body a fatter body bigger tits a bigger ass. Would you desire to be desired would you desire to be so turned on by life that when you woke up in the morning you were excited like we are not meant we are not human beings are not meant to get on a hamster wheel. And sacrifice our present moment for some sort of future reward called a fucking pension or a for a one K I've known this forever I've known this it deep within me This has just been a. This is a wisdom I came in with I remember it long ago. Like I'm not do I'm not not here for that game. Thank you Nope did that game last time not doing that game and I've had to struggle and fight self-doubt is this are you just are you just deluding yourself. No I'm not I know that's not why I'm here I'm not here. To just get by I'm not here for mediocrity I'm not here for lackluster relationships I'm not here for lack of depth I'm not here for Shitty or non-existent sex I'm not here to not go into the depths of all aspects of being a human the height.

31:34.86
kristenlena
Highs and the lows.. There's this huge butterfly Hello Huge butterfly out on our lime tree right? Now. It's so pretty. Oh my gosh. It's like this big I'm not here to be average I'm not here. To get by I'm not here for mediocrity and neither are you but you may be in a position where you believe that you are I would love to hear what it is that you you desire like heart of hearts your deepest desire right? Like. Think about sexual fantasies think about money fantasies think about travel fantasies think about um, Creative Creative fantasies think about all the things that are possible as a human being.

32:31.47
kristenlena
What have you given up on until I no longer have breath I will never stop desiring until I no longer have breath I will never stop wanting what I want. So this is your call to ask yourself what it is that you desire I'm actually teaching I have a very good friend of mine who asked me to come to her retreat last minute last week. She said will you come teach. What you're learning about your sexuality at my retreat and I said fuck yes because why I desire to be back in person with people and I've been saying this for months I desire to be speaking in person in the flesh. Not online and so I got an invitation I'm super excited I leave tomorrow I come back Sunday and I get to teach I get to teach this thing called more what if. You could catalyze or open up this channel within you this creative sexual channel within you that enlivens us enlivens us to like we are alive when we're sexual.

34:06.76
kristenlena
When our sexuality is turned on Holy Fuck. That's what I'm experiencing I want more more. What I don't know name it more amazing travel opportunities more money more amazing. Toe curling sex more fun more play more ease more joy more freedom more say like I get to say so. I'm going to be creating. Ah ah, another offering and it's going to call and it's going to be called more.. It's going to be all about desire all about opening that that sacral Chakra getting connected deeply connected here's what I know is going to probably come up for you right Now. Why is she fucking asking me this question.

35:02.60
kristenlena
Why Everything's fine. The way it is listen. You always have the choice to to do what you're doing. You're always going to do what you do until you don't do it Anymore. It's like my favorite quote right Now. You're going to do what you do stop fucking heming and hawn about it. Do what you do or do something else. That's all there is so you don't want more great stop listening did I tickle some part of your like internal. Fire like that the the what's it called when you furnace there's like that internal. That's there's that internal flame that that I believe that internal flame the flame of desire is always there. It will never go out until we do. That's what I believe like fully with my so I fully believe that you will always want. You will always desire and desires fucking Amazing. So I'm going to try and get this podcast episode out. As soon as I can because um, I'm I'm going to create this course and it's it's called more and it's going to be the power of sacred sexuality like listen you want to know what sacred as fuck actually means it means every single part of you.

36:33.90
kristenlena
Every single fucking part of you is sacred your flaws your mistakes your cellulite your wrinkles every lesson you've ever learned every mistake you've ever made every shitty thing you've ever said to another human being every shitty thing you've ever done every time you've lied or cheated or stealed. Steeled still that was a good 1 stolen. All of it sacred if you allow it to be if you allow yourself to learn the lesson from it and everything that's grand and beautiful and perfect and blissful and happy and high vibe. That's obviously sacred to but all of your dips all of your deep dark desires sacred so fucking sacred so I'm going to be that person that's like poking at those little. Deep dark desires because they matter they matter they're here for you. They're here for you. Don't give up on them. Don't fucking give up on them all right? Um I am actually ah. Going on a retreat. It's the wild woman retreat is in Costa Rica I leave in twelve eleven days nope I leave in nine days ten days for Costa Rica

38:04.72
kristenlena
Fucking crazy the wild woman retreat with Taylor Simpson I saw it it's all about like sacred sexuality for women diving into my femininity cannot fucking wait just wait I can I mean I cannot wait but I already know when I get back. Shit's going to fuck. Explode I'm going to open up this channel like really I started doing this work with her a couple months ago fuck fuck about fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck all right guys. Thanks for listening and come see me on Instagram. At the Kristin Lina and send me a Dm after you listen to this and let me know what you fucking desire listen when no one's listening when no one's watching you know what you want, you know what you fucking want. You've just been deeply conditioned to not want it or to believe that you wanting it makes you a fill in the blank whore selfish person Bad Mom bad wife. Whatever makes you makes you something immoral. It's fucking so dumb. Stop listening to shit that is so dumb and so old just make up your own fucking rules. All right, thanks for listening. Love you guys see you next time.