S2:E1 I'm BAAAAACK!

Hello my Lovely BITCHES ... how I've missed you.

I recorded this episode on 8/8/22 (the Lion's Gate) and it's an update on where I've been and what I've been up to since my last episode ALMOST a year ago...

Namely, working through Conscious Uncoupling from my husband of 19 years, exploring online dating and sex in the digital age, deconstructing my relationships with men and noticing how my past sexual traumas were influencing not only my relationships, but my money and my ability to receive.

To watch this episode on YouTube go here: https://youtu.be/Zt8GMRLVAcw

Transcript

00:00.10

kristenlena

Oh how I've missed my sacred as fuck people in this conversation in this this sacred container. The thing that the you know I created this podcast. So that I had a place where I felt free to say what I wanted to say because at the time that I created it was right when you know lockdown was imminent and Facebook was blocking lots of stuff and ah. Yeah, it just ah I wanted a place of my own where I could come and say whatever the fuck I want and say it. However, the fuck I want to say it and not for the sake of ah indulgence. But for the sake of making a difference. That's why I open my mouth. Why I open my mouth is because I hear something or see something or feel something and know that if there's a there's a there's a calling. There's a pull within me to address it to say something. That I'm meant to do that I'm meant to the thing that I'm called to do or pulled to do I meant I meant for it and it's meant for me. So this series I don't know how many series of interviews there are going to be but this is going to be me sharing about my conscious uncoupling process. So we have not we have not informed everyone in our family yet once we do that we'll be sending out. You know an email or social media post letting our friends and our communities know that we have decided to end our marriage. We're ending it with probably more love and respect than we started it. We've gone through the very beautiful and also challenging process of conscious uncoupling the book is by Catherine Woodward Thomas the same name conscious uncoupling. And you may or may not have heard about it from Gwyneth Paltrow back in like 2012 that was the first time I had heard it when she ended her marriage with Chris Martin so me being me and I'm not going to do anything that isn't.

02:44.89

kristenlena

Highly conscious that isn't the most the highest possible outcome for everyone involved I'm not going to do this from ego I'm not going to do this from victim. I'm going to do this from the highest possible place of love respect and reverence for my partner of 19 years and also the father of my children and we are ending this version of our relationship and we are creating the next version. He will always be my family I will always be his family I honor and respect and love him and we honor and respect each other enough to end our marriage so that we could thrive separately. And so I've learned I've learned so much through this process. There are moments when I was going through it which I'll be sharing more and more about about about the process. Um, just to give you insight into it I highly recommend that anyone thinking about ending a relationship a significant relationship like a marriage go through this process. This was the hardest thing. That I think I've ever done and the most rewarding and the most impactful and the most loving and the most respectful there are moments when I wished that I could have just been angry at him and blamed him for everything because it would have been less heartbreaking it's heartbreaking to end a relationship. From a place of love. It's heartbreaking because it feel it. It feels like when you do the work. What's required of this process is for each of us individually to do our own work. To heal. Um, some inner wounds some to recognize and acknowledge some traumas from our past some patterns that we had developed I saw things that I thought I had already dealt with I saw things newly.

05:16.13

kristenlena

I'm always gonna be a student I'm never gonna get to the peak of any mountain I'm never gonna get to the top and go I made it I know all the shit There is to know I'm never gonna have any heartache and it life's gonna be easy. That's not my journey I'm not saying life. Life is easy when you're when you're awake just put it that way. Life is alive and full and authentic and real when you are fucking conscious when you do your own God damn work when you stop blaming other people for shit when you take good hard looks in the. Mirror over and over and over and over Again. We never get to the top. We never get to the top so I wanted to start talking about it I probably won't release this episode until everyone's been informed. And we've given you know the hardest hardest thing I've ever done as a parent is to sit our girls down and and have that conversation with them and that was the hardest thing I've done since I birthed them quite honestly it was heartbreaking. It was devastating. It was. Gut wrenching and doing it in this way where we you know are aligned and we're coming from a place of love and respect and there isn't any badouthing anyone. There isn't any villain. There is no one. Wrong, Um, it's Harder. It's Harder. It's harder to sit on the couch that you've sat on for you know I'll make you two months fifteen years with your with your husband and. And tell your kids that you're are getting divorced. It takes so much courage and um, highly recommend the path of highest highest consciousness in any part of life. In any part of life. That's just that's just my jam you know, but it was hard and it was heartbreaking and I was devastating and then like any pain. Crested and then it faded and I'm not saying it's gone because it's not gone because there will be iterations of this and ramifications and outcomes and impacts and but it.

08:10.52

kristenlena

The height of it crested and then it. It's softened the sadness started to go away a little bit. They realized that not a whole lot's going to change even you know, especially. Now the way that the current real estate market is in August of 2022. We're just not going to make any moves until we see what's happening and that's hard and challenging in its own way. Um. But it's what's best for our family right now and we'll always be family. He'll always be my family There's no reason for me to lose the family that I married into there's no reason for me to lose my in-laws and have him lose my family. Um. So we're navigating this new new terrain and I'll actually be bringing my conscious uncoupling coach who's just just a phenomenal human being this process is just it's revolutionary really, it's transformational. It's. Yeah, so I wanted to. It's already been none already I wanted to come in and create what I'm calling the uncoupling chronicles and um, one of the things that I've learned through this process. Is some of the deep and very old wounds that I have with men and specifically with alpha men with dominant men. Um, my dad was an alpha male and I highly desire to be in relationship with an alpha male. Not right now I'm not looking for a relationship but I am looking to heal. My trauma heal some wounding that I have with that type of man because while I have wanted that sort of man I have also been. Ah, like like completely afraid and intimidated and like just like I won't I wouldn't go go near that with a ten foot um a ten foot pole

10:56.14

kristenlena

So What I'm what I realized is that the first Alpha man that I actually was in relationship with was the boyfriend that I lost my virginity to and I lost that in a way that was not respectful and I lost that in a way. That was not okay and I decided after that that I would not put myself in positions with those kinds of men and I I haven't since. And so I've been in relationships with nice guys, kind. Um, not that Alpha men can't be kind and I know that they can um, nice guys, kind guys but also non-dominant I've been the masculine one in every single one of my relationships. And it doesn't work. It doesn't work. It's not what I want. It's what I feel I need to do I excuse me. It's what I have felt I needed to do up until now because it was so threatening for me because I didn't want to be with someone who I didn't trust and I. Was afraid of so I chose men that I knew that I could control and manipulate and dominate. That's not a fun. It's not a fun realization to come to, but it's an empowering one especially because I desire to be with a. Um, masculine man who I allow to lead I Allow I choose to have him lead and all of this is so fucking new for me, It's Insane. It's Ridiculous. It's crazy. But I've wanted it my whole life. So This is the next this is the next leg of my journey. Um, as far as sex and intimacy and connection and who I Choose. To do those things with and um, yeah, just seeing just this massive pattern of choosing men that I was either older than or more educated than or had a stronger personality Then. Or have my shit more together than like I was always I always put myself in positions where I was me I was leading in the relationship.

13:44.47

kristenlena

And I can hear like my feminist ladies because it it. Ah it operates you know it it triggers it for me too. You know gender roles and gender norms and and all these things. And there are things I can tell you that I desire that I have never experienced in a relationship with a man that's healthy. That's healthy and so that's that's my next That's my next phase in my next journey. What you know what would it look like for me to be soft and vulnerable and open and trusting did I already say feminine to not to not dominate to not control. Trust and even as I say these words right now. It's August eighth it's 8 8 2022 the lion's gate today I'm like what the fuck are you saying because it goes against all of the ways of being that I've established in my life. And what I'm what I'm understanding is that my relationship with men that untrusting controlling I'm gonna dominate you. You're not going to dominate me I say how this goes all of that has gotten in the way. Of my life in other areas like in my business receiving receiving money abundance clients I know that there's a connection and this is like my I just I get to discover this because this is. This is super fun super fun I said oh my god so super fucking, confronting and challenging and today is the was the none day of my new program called the threshold and it's a four week program and it's all about. You know, having the courage to take the next step into something new or big or different or scary. You know we we were on the edge of a precipice we're on the the precipice or the edge of something and we want to make decisions and choices and and take actions to move forward in our life. So that's what the program is is is teaching and today was session one and it was all about our relationship with death our relationship with fear. What do we do when we're confronted by something that is threatening or or that we're afraid of.

16:33.46

kristenlena

And.

16:38.10

kristenlena

Um, there's there's the ego deaths right? So for me, big massive ego deaths are around. you are not going to dominate me you are not going to control me, you are not goingnna gonna manipulate. Manipulate me because you are not going to hurt me so I put up this very strong front and I am you know up until now up until my commitment. Fucking take this shit on I have been the dominant one and I don't want to be I don't want to be I feel like I have felt like I've had to be so this next version of Kristen gets to be open and trusting and vulnerable and. Soft so I made a commitment that I was actually going to do the work with my students. Um, in this new program. So I did and what came through was me committing to being soft to soften around shit. To ask myself am I being soft right now can I soften can I when I think of soften. It's like this completely open way of being and I have been anything. But that with men I mean so this is the journey. This is the journey for myself to go into these soft corners vulnerable unprotected on what's the word I'm looking for like. The armor. The armor is coming off the you're not going to fuck me over is coming off. Ah all of my defense mechanisms I'm I'm choosing to put to the side. What kind of a maniac does one who's committed. 1 who's committed out of her mind to having the things that she says that she wants. That's who so come with me on on this journey. The uncoupling chronicles will be just me sharing about this process. Um. What I'm experiencing in my love and intimate and sex life and the reason why I'm sharing. It is so that it can make a difference room for someone else. That's why I open my mouth.

19:27.99

kristenlena

I simply guinea I open my mouth because I know this could impact another woman or another man and so try do what I do so I don't know. Put your seatbelt on buckle up and this is gonna be some kind of a fucking wild ride I'm looking forward to it I have had some already in the last six weeks major bumps and bruises along this path is not but it has not. that ego does not fucking want to go down that ego does not want to die easy that ego is like I will fucking end you you know many times in my mind I have said I will fucking end you like that is my position that has been my position. You are not going to end me I will end you None It's very very italian New York Mobster kind of mentality. So I'm not going to be ending anyone except for my ego in multiple small and probably large little deaths. Along the way. So I'm excited to be back I'm excited to have um my voice on this topic because it's been something that I've wanted to be talking about and out of respect for our process obviously would not could not share. And so I get to I get to share for the sake of opening something up for someone and maybe that's you so I will end it here and I'll see ah I'll see you next time. Hi.